Being the good citizen that I am and wishing to keep my legitimate right to complain about all things political by actually participating in the funny little system we call American democracy, I requested my absentee ballot as soon as I arrived here in the Netherlands. After confirming that I am both myself and not resident in my voting precinct at this moment, I settled in to wait w/great anticipation for my ballot to arrive.
A month later, I am still waiting. Becoming concerned (and annoyed, but that goes without saying), I called the elections office yesterday. You can imagine my happiness when my phone call was answered by a recording informing me that all elections officers were busy helping other citizens and to call back. You can imagine my further happiness when I did call back -- 20 times -- and received the same message each time. Becoming convinced that this was a trick on the part of our civil servants to devote more time to watching soap operas than to serving me, the public, I decided to deploy a two-pronged communications attack. So I sent a rather terse email 'requesting' someone to get back to me right away. Dangit.
Just after sending the email, I decided to try calling again and this attempt technically met with success. I say technically because I did in fact get through to a human being, but the information given to me was somewhat less than satisfying. The exchange went something like this:
A month later, I am still waiting. Becoming concerned (and annoyed, but that goes without saying), I called the elections office yesterday. You can imagine my happiness when my phone call was answered by a recording informing me that all elections officers were busy helping other citizens and to call back. You can imagine my further happiness when I did call back -- 20 times -- and received the same message each time. Becoming convinced that this was a trick on the part of our civil servants to devote more time to watching soap operas than to serving me, the public, I decided to deploy a two-pronged communications attack. So I sent a rather terse email 'requesting' someone to get back to me right away. Dangit.
Just after sending the email, I decided to try calling again and this attempt technically met with success. I say technically because I did in fact get through to a human being, but the information given to me was somewhat less than satisfying. The exchange went something like this:
Me: Hi, I'm jules, [big story leading to Where the heck is my ballot??]
My Tax Dollars at Work, in Southern drawl: Wayl, hun, ya know, once that ballot is in the mail, there's nuthin we can do about it.
Me: Okay...So there's no tracking number or anything?
MTDW, as if I had asked if dogs can marry cats: Oh, no!
Me: Um....Well, if it doesn't show up soon, can I request another one?
MTDW: Oh, no, hun -- we have a missin' ballot out there, we can't just send you another one when that one's not accounted for.
Me: Right, but that is sort of the problem -- my ballot is missing and I can't vote.
MTDW: Well, ya know, we've had ballots that took a week just to get across the county, so why don't you give it a little more time?
Me, sensing this was going nowhere fast: Yeah, okay, good idea. Maybe I'll just give it two more weeks, eh? Have a good day.
Feeling remarkably underwhelmed by my election officials, I was pleasantly surprised to check my email just after I got off the phone and find a response from another member of the election bureau staff. The contents of this email are pasted as follows:
You may have to go the FPC (federal post card) way, this can be done by e-mail....look it up on Google and basically follow the instructions,just make sure you sign it.
Yes, that's right -- the official answer to all of my problems? Google it! Amazingly (or not), this actually worked, so it looks like a) American democracy is now powered by Google, and b) I will get to vote after all, which, oddly, still excites me, despite my too-deep knowledge of the inner workings of the American political machine and the further knowledge that when you're registered in a state like mine, your vote doesn't really matter anyhow. But by golly, I want my stinking ballot and if I have to go to Google to get it, then so be it. Maybe I will vote for Google for some local office. Like court clerk. Or coroner.
Feeling remarkably underwhelmed by my election officials, I was pleasantly surprised to check my email just after I got off the phone and find a response from another member of the election bureau staff. The contents of this email are pasted as follows:
You may have to go the FPC (federal post card) way, this can be done by e-mail....look it up on Google and basically follow the instructions,just make sure you sign it.
Yes, that's right -- the official answer to all of my problems? Google it! Amazingly (or not), this actually worked, so it looks like a) American democracy is now powered by Google, and b) I will get to vote after all, which, oddly, still excites me, despite my too-deep knowledge of the inner workings of the American political machine and the further knowledge that when you're registered in a state like mine, your vote doesn't really matter anyhow. But by golly, I want my stinking ballot and if I have to go to Google to get it, then so be it. Maybe I will vote for Google for some local office. Like court clerk. Or coroner.
