I sometimes want to die (and take a few ppl. w/me)

So the other day I was riding w/a friend of mine to Savannah. Immediately after turning onto the main road out of town, we were forced to come to a complete stop in the middle of the road to allow a funeral procession to exit the funeral home on the left. I did not pay close attention to the caravan since such thgs. make me want to cry b/c I know what it's like to forever lose a loved one; to sit through the memorial thinking in no chronological or emotional order of memories you shared w/this person in life, punctuated by visions of their smile, their laugh, and the recognition that you will never see these thgs. again; to gather your shattered concentration long enough to drive to the burial site; and to then watch as your friend or family member is lowered into the ground and dirt is thrown on top, forming a progressively impenetrable barrier b/t you and them. Death is a big deal. And it makes me cry to think of other ppl. having to experience that sort of loss b/c I can think of how it felt/would feel for me to be in their position. So I didn't look closely at the motorcade slowly entering the road in front of us, but I DID notice it, esp. since we had to sit in the middle of traffic for several mins.

My companion, the driver, apparently managed to miss what was happening right in front of our faces.

On the way out of town, I became increasingly confused and angry as he complained abt. how slow we were moving, abt. why there were so many cops on the road (to allow the procession to move unimpeded), how a funeral procession should not hold up the rest of traffic (I guess they're supposed to race to the cemetery and hope that everyone makes it??), and abt. how dumb it was that ppl. in our lane were going so slow when the procession wasn't even near us. It occurred to me after this last comment that perhaps my friend did not know where the caravan was, b/c it was directly in front of us and I told him as much. Three times. I pointed it out THREE TIMES, saying w/what I thought was complete clarity, "THAT [pointing at the long line of cars moving in our lane of traffic] is the funeral procession." I had hoped this would penetrate to my friend's brain and heart and elicit a more sympathetic response, that he would consider the emotional state of the ppl. in that line of cars, would remember the times that he lost someone he loved. This, it turned out, was over-optimistic of me.

The sighs of exasperation continued and then got worse when we moved out of the town proper and the speed limit went up, but we were still moving at a muted pace. My friend ultimately sped up to try to pass the whole line, but met resistance when he encountered ppl. in the right-hand lane who had pulled over or slowed to a speed even lower than that of the funeral procession, as drivers are wont to do OUT OF RESPECT TO THE BEREAVED. This is esp. true here in the South, where, as my stepfather once lamented, ppl. are more likely to pull over for a funeral than an ambulance. In fact, ppl. here pull over even if they are in the opposing lane of traffic. It's just smthg. we do out of consideration for others who are trying to grapple w/one of the most difficult facts of life. This, too, was lost on my companion, who proceeded to cut INTO the funeral procession and to scoff at my explanation for why ppl. who were not going to the funeral were still driving as if they were.

The crowning moment came, however, when we had to make a left-hand turn on to another road, the same road onto which the procession turned. It turned out that my friend had cut in front of the last person in the line of mourners and she was desperate to try to keep up w/the rest, probably b/c she wasn't fr. around here and didn't want to get separated fr. them on some country-ass road in the middle of nowhere. As we approached the left turn lane, my driver started to move into the lane and was incensed to find that the driver behind us was scurrying to close the gap b/t herself and the rest of the funeral procession, resulting in my friend nearly side-swiping her as he moved over.

One guess what happened next.

My friend had the audacity to not just honk at the woman -- which I could almost have excused, since it's sort of a natural reaction when you're on the road and smthg. happens that could endanger your safety, regardless of who is really at fault -- but further, to hurl obscenities and slurs and give her the finger. He flipped off a person hurrying to follow her dead loved one to his or her final resting place, trying to be there for the last moments of that person's time above ground.

I have never been so upset in my entire life. I think I hit him. I definitely yelled at him. He attempted to defend himself by saying, "She's probably not even going to the funeral!" I just wanted to cry, get sick, and throw myself out of the still-moving car. I wanted to kill smthg. he loved so that he would know what that person was feeling. I wanted to be as far away as possible fr. this person whom I have somehow grown to love, but who is so incapable of thinking of others that he couldn't even act appropriately when presented w/the most obvious occasion for sympathy. It didn't even matter if the woman wasn't going to the funeral (which, as it turned out, she WAS), the point was that my friend didn't know whether she was or not, but rather than thinking beyond himself and erring on the side of caution (which would have allowed the woman to get in front of him w/minimal fuss), he threw a fit and behaved in a manner so vulgar and insulting it made me want to die.

I will never understand how ppl. can be so thoughtless, so thoroughly selfish that they ignore any common sense they might have (and my friend is quite smart; he has the raw ability to think better of his actions) and act in ways that make it physically painful to be alive in this world. I j u s t d o n ' t g e t i t. Though I have tried to inure myself against what I have long recognized to be an inevitable fact of human existence, I have met w/little success. It hurts just as much now as it did yrs. ago and what hurts even more is that my immediate reaction when someone behaves in such a careless, hurtful manner is to hurt them right back, purposefully, pointedly, and deeply. My first reaction makes me worse than them b/c I want them to hurt. I didn't just want to yell at my friend, to call him names, or point out to him the ways in which his behavior made him THE Biggest Jerk in the Entire World. I didn't even want to hurt him physically, not really. What I wanted to do was take smthg. fr. him he loves more than he knows. I wanted him to hurt fr. the inside and I wanted to be the one to do it.

I was inexpressibly angry and hurt by my friend's utter lack of consideration for someone else's potential emotional state, but his behavior and its impact on the other driver was, at the root, the result of carelessness, not premeditation. My response was considerably more directed. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling this desire for wilful retribution makes me pretty close to evil, which does little to make me feel better abt. being alive in a world already so full of it.

Or maybe it means I should find a cape and a sidekick and become a masked crusader for justice. I dunno. Eamonn *did* just send me the Guide to Real Ultimate Power, so I figure I could probably be jump-kicking ninja-for-justice in abt. five days. If anyone is interested in subsidizing my super-hero bid, I wear size XS and my weapon of choice is the laser beam. I'll supply the telekinesis.