Vi Ayisyen Mwen

Finally arrived to Haiti and finding it amusing so far. My Haitian life seems to be working some rather interesting changes of character:
-- Spent four days cleaning the kitchen with a toothbrush...and it's still not really done. I sincerely hope it wasn't just mold and dirt holding that part of the house together, otherwise we're in some trouble now. Some of you are probably raising an eyebrow of surprise at the thought of me, notorious cleaning hater, spending so much time on this activity, and I would not blame you. But that's how dirty the kitchen was: even I could not bear it. What makes this all a bit funnier is that there is a maid who is paid to clean the house once a week. I actually spent most of Friday morning trying to be unobtrusive while she went about her business, taking four hours to clean a total of about 800 square feet. And yet, when I went into the kitchen afterward, it was dirtier than before she came, leading me to spend another hour w/toothbrush in hand and a bit of time generally wiping things down. Imagine -- a world where *I* am a clean freak! And what has my effort won me? A somewhat less repulsive cooking space and some Nas-ty heat rash. I thought only fat people and babies (who are really just tiny fat people) got that, but apparently spending four solid hours scrubbing a windowless kitchen in 100 degree heat can do the trick, too.
-- Given my complete inability to tolerate temperatures below 78 degrees and my reptilian need for heat and light, I had more or less decided that there was no place this side of Hell that was too hot for me. I was wrong. Port-au-Prince in August is, at times, too damn hot. We don't have hot water in the house, so we have to take cold showers, which during past visits I found disagreeable, even when it was warm out. No more. I have finally come to appreciate the value of a cold shower. In fact, it has been so hot the past few days that the water at the top of the cistern gets quite hot, meaning that when I turn on the shower, I get about two minutes of HOT water, which I neither enjoy nor dislike, but do find rather bemusing. I also get a slight happy sensation when I get in a car b/c that's the only time of the day that I can enjoy the wonder of air-conditioning.I spend a good portion of my day trying to strategically position myself to catch a good breeze coming through our barred windows and trying not to scratch my sweaty, itchy skin for fear of provoking another wave of heat rash. But I would still choose this over another winter in the Netherlands!!
-- Although I would hardly call my days regimented, I have developed a bit of a schedule, which starts with getting out of bed around 8am every day, a marked departure from my lifelong preference for late rising. I wake up around 8, watch CNN for about half an hour until Creole television takes back over, spend about an hour doing yoga or working out (funny how 'hot yoga' no longer sounds like an appealing challenge), an hour (or more) cleaning up around the house, take a shower, eat breakfast, spend an hour working on my Creole lessons, spend some time thinking about working on my thesis before deciding I can't be bothered with it (that bit of the schedule will have to change this week, sadly....), and then knit or read for a bit. Oh, and I am working diligently on being a better email correspondent/blogger while I have some free time, so keep an eye on your inboxes -- I may finally answer that email you sent me months ago! I have dinner in the evening with friends, when I get to practice my rudimentary Creole and my only slightly less embarrassing French, then I watch some television and read or knit until I go to bed about two hours earlier than I'm used to doing. Sounds boring, I imagine, but I'm kind of digging it. I won't be sad when I start working for real, it would be nice to get out of the house a little more often, but overall, being a stay-at-home-person isn't nearly as bad as I always thought it was. For now.
-- Despite my unfortunate history of herbicide, I have decided I want to grow a garden. I will have to wait until I move house, as there isn't space for a garden here, but I am planning a modest garden to include tomatoes, basil, thyme, hot peppers, arugula, and maybe asparagus. The produce in the markets here is rather disappointing and I don't yet know enough Creole to effectively negotiate w/the ladies on the streets, so I was thinking I should just grow my own crap. Or at least try. Even if it's a failure it should keep me busy until I can bargain a little better...I've already started growing some chili peppers, using the garden-in-a-pouch some of my lovely Maastricht ladies gave me for my birthday. The instructions were all in Dutch, which made for some linguistic fun on top of my adventures in Creole and French, but I think (hope) I got it off to a good start.

Overall, I really am excited about being here, cleanliness and thermoregulation issues aside. I had a great summer in the US (and a week at Haitian beaches) before coming here, revitalizing me after my nine month hibernation in Maastricht, and I regard as good omens the facts that I neither procrastinated in packing to move here (unheard of for me), nor experienced my usual last minute freak-out prior to making the move. It's a bit early to declare it a success, but I'm feeling pretty dang good about my new life, which is, I believe, not a bad way to begin.

I don't think this is relief...

Just defended the infamous research proposal and was expecting to come out of it feeling better, but instead my stomach hurts a bit and my mouth is dry and I feel more like I have just been given a parking ticket than like I just completed, for better or worse, a critical part of my studies here.

I don't think things went badly. The external reviewer took up most of the time asking questions that seemed reasonable and relevant, a marked (and welcome) change from past discussions of my research proposal. I feel pretty confident that I answered the questions well and demonstrated some capability. Our nefarious head of research was as usual negative, but this was expected and since the external guy took up so much time, her venom was enhanced by irritation at having only five minutes to inform me that she still does not see the scientific value of my proposed work. (I was amused to see the external reviewer's eyebrows shoot up wonderingly at this remark.)

Going in to this whole affair, I felt like it was akin to a visit to the dentist: Nothing to worry about too much, but not pleasant, either. I still think that's true. And yet my stomach is knotted and gurgling with concern.

Moving on to more important things, let's chat a bit about this swine flu issue. Specifically, let's chat about how it is being blown out of all proportion and for the first time in a while I wish someone would muzzle the media. I understand that this virus is having a devastating effect in Mexico and that it clearly has the ability to spread quickly between hosts. However, there is another important phenomenon not receiving nearly enough attention: Although the flu does seem to be spreading in the US, its lethality is far less there and in all other developed countries where it has been so far identified than it is in Mexico, a *less*developed*country*.

This should be no surprise. Influenza of any kind is most threatening for vulnerable groups, such as the elderly, the undernourished, and other people with generally lower levels of health. Less-developed countries are by definition populated by people with generally lower levels of health and/or malnutrition. So of course a particularly mobile strain of flu could be catastrophic for these people. This is sad, tragic even when one considers how preventable issues like malnutrition and poverty are -- or should be, if people were willing to allocate resources more effectively and fairly.

But while this is a sad, sad fact for Mexico and countries like Mexico, this is NOT cause for panic or for 'pandemic' designation. What you have is a national health crisis in Mexico, NOT a reason for people to sell all of their airline stocks or for the media to start using phrases like, 'World health officials race to stem deadly flu.' Maybe you could use, 'World health officials race to stem deadly (in Mexico but nowhere else) flu.' Anything beyond that at this time is just panic-mongering and these people -- journalists and to a lesser extent health officials -- should be ashamed of themselves for using their positions in such a way.

I will be the first to revise my position in the future if the cases in the US and Canada become more serious (in fact, I'll probably be among the first to contract the damn flu if it gets that bad), but for the moment all you have is a flu virus that is affecting a vulnerable population in a predictable way and NOT affecting a healthier population in an also predictable way. The effects of viral mutation and adaption make it entirely possible that the strain will strengthen and become more deadly, even among 'healthy' people. But these same effects could equally lead to a weakened virus, so I still say there is no reason for such hysteria at this time.

Now go outside and cough on someone you love.

A thaw

My long-standing dislike of the Netherlands has been tempered lately by an unusually lengthy stretch of sunshine and warm temperatures, in combination with the lovely long days that do my light-starved psyche good. I am almost considering the possibility that this place is not determined to kill me. With only five weeks left it's nice to think I may leave on a pleasant note...

Of course, any progress the Netherlands has made is likely to be somewhat undone when I make a quick trip to Scotland next month!! Yes, that's right, returning briefly to my Happiest Place on Earth, after which the Netherlands will once again pale in comparison. heh. Melissa and I will be staying in Dundee, the larger, less attractive city near the incomparable St. Andrews, and I am looking forward to visiting some of old favorite spots before leaving Europe.

This trip is made possible mostly thanks to Melissa, who offered to subsidize my plane ticket as a farewell gift, a thoughtful, generous act which reminded me once again that not everything about my experience here was terrible. After all, I did live in the Best Apartment in Maastricht, a physically excellent abode made even better by the people who live in it. Even at my most dissatisfied, I was never unhappy to go home at the end of the day, which is pretty good, really.

It also helps that today I finally had an unequivocally good time riding a bike here, spending most of the day outside on what is sure to be one of the finest weather days all year -- mostly sunny w/temperatures around 23C/75F. My lungs breathed air so fresh you could almost taste it, my skin saw more sun than it did during my last trip to Haiti, and the views of the canals, fields, caves, and castles as we cycled in and out Belgium were almost surreal in their picture-perfect beauty. Good stuff.

I maintain that the Netherlands is the worst place I have ever lived, but it -- or at least certain people/places within it -- is carving out a tiny piece of my heart nonetheless. But just a tiny one.

(A kind of) Spring in the Netherlands!

Friday was a very important day in my life as a resident of the Netherlands: Although I had to wear my coat in the morning, by the time I skipped along home at 630pm, I was footloose and coat-free! Yes, that's right, for the first time in four months, all one needed to wear to avoid hypothermia was a sweater and sturdy blazer! Also, it was still light at 630, which was almost as lovely. We are gaining an average of five minutes of daylight per day now, so when we switch the clocks forward on the 29th, it will be light out until 830pm!!! If only you could see the gigantic smile on my face right now, it's rather pathetic that this country has reduced me to being ecstatic over natural changes in the Earth's rotations...Incidentally, this 'warm' snap is set to be ruined by the return of single-digit (Celsius) weather later this week, but I am hopeful that within another week or two, my coat will be enjoying a well-deserved vacation in my suitcase, set aside for cold days FAR in the future...

Pedestrian (me) vs Bike (the rest of the Netherlands)
Today as I was going about town running some errands, I was increasingly irritated as I found myself having to stop before crossing every street, NOT because of cars, but b/c of all the people on bikes, tearing ass around town as if they were the only ones mobile. This is v. typical of Dutch towns (Utrecht is apparently the worst -- I would surely have an aneurysm), and while I admire the commitment to exercise and cleaner transportation, I can't help but hate these bike-riding jerks. Possibly this is b/c bicyclists here are quite rude, but more likely my antipathy springs from a much more primitive source: I know that I could totally take them. Seriously, if I were to decide to not stand aside as they come barrelling toward me, heedless of the fact that I was in the street first, or if I were just to jump on one of those wheel-borne monkeys, they would be eating pavement. Obviously, I would probably get knocked down in the fray, as well, but, in the words of physics, their body would tend to stay in motion until acted on by the outside force of the cobblestone street under their face. And b/c they would be moving at a higher rate of speed at the moment of collision than my walking self, the force of the impact would be far worse than mine. In other words, I would totally win. With a car, I don't have this knowledge pricking at the aggression center of my brain, so I stand and wait my turn more or less without emotion. But those bikes...Oh, man. Bring it on.

Not sure you can solve this problem by putting your finger in it...
Since January, I have been trying to get my Dutch taxes filed. I was given an email address of the person who was supposed to help me, but it has become quite clear over the last eight weeks that this person, like most other Dutch 'professionals', is a moron. Or maybe just lazy, which is actually worse than being a moron, since it involved some level of choice, whereas stupidity is often a basic matter of physiology. Anyhow, I have gotten nowhere with this person, and decided to join several of my colleagues for a visit to the office in question to demand assistance. Upon arrival, we ascertained that the only person physically present in this office (which is technically staffed by about 10 people) was a woman who had been working there for only two weeks and had no ability to assist us beyond recommending that we email someone else. At this moment I could not help thinking that this country is a monument to inefficiency and incompetence -- it's as if they have enshrined those two things as their national values. I am amazed that the dykes still work. The water ones, not the lesbian ones; like all other Dutch people, I imagine that the Dutch lesbian dykes work only part time, and probably not very well even then.

Coming to America

But my adventures in this magical place are coming to a blessed end; I daresay the Dutch will be almost as relieved to see me go as I will be to have the proverbial door hit me on my proverbial ass on the way out. Yes, folks, I will be Stateside as of 15 May, for a couple of months anyhow. I will be in MD from 15-21 May, then GA from 21-25 May, then SC from 25 May to 7 June, then MD from 7-23 June, then Bea and I are taking her inaugural visit to Haiti from 23 June to 1 July, then I will be going to GA and VA sometime in the beginning of July, followed by Maryland for a week or so before I move out of the country once again, this time for more inviting climes than those of northern Europe -- the discordant but lovely Haiti. And I will be in Haiti for at least a year, so if you would like to see me before then, send a girl an email and we will work it out. Naturally, I plan to see most of you who still read this drivel while I am in the US, but you could still send an email, make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Which would be nice since my usual feeling here in Maastricht is hot and enraged, alternating with the ever-pleasant 'dead inside'.

Life in my office
There was a small discussion today about my weird fruit issues and Sachin impressed himself (and me, really) by remembering two of the three fruits that I actually eat. The one he missed was grapes, to which I had to add the critical qualifier of 'only seedless grapes'. Sachin agreed that this a reasonable condition to grape-eating, unlike my other neurotic reasons for not eating most fruits. From there, the conversation went roughly as follows:
Me: But I do like to pick the seeds out of seedy grapes (with my fingers, not my teeth) and then spit them.
Sachin: Spit them?? Spit them where?!
Biniam: Oh, you know, who cares? Wherever!
Me: Yeah, mostly I spit them in people's faces.

Good music

My roommate Flo makes really nice music, mostly electronic, but also using some guitar and violin and other things. Check out his MySpace page and encourage him to post more b/c I promise he's holding the really good stuff back!!

www.myspace.com/elmstuff

I'm Old(er)

Yes, yes, today is the birthday. 27. Weehaw. It was actually a pretty big year, but most of it I don't feel like re-hashing (here or elsewhere, really), so let's just say I hope 27 is better than 26. B/C 26 was pretty much a stinker.

Positively, today is the first sunny day in weeks with temperatures well above freezing (46F/8C), so this seems like a more auspicious day for a birthday than last year's Waiting for the War theme....Also, I've had some professional and personal breakthroughs in recent weeks, so I guess you could say 26 ended better than it started.

Haiti was fantastic, I almost didn't get on the plane when it was time to leave. Of course, that is partly b/c I was put on stand-by when I got to the airport, which I was tempted to interpret as a sign from God that I should stay, but instead it meant that I got to fly first class to JFK, which was pretty sweet. Thanks to Stephane's amazing skills as a tour guide/chauffeur, I was able to see a lot of the country, especially north of Port-au-Prince. It's amazing how much that country has to offer, especially geographically and culturally. In Port-au-Prince you're an hour from pristine Caribbean beaches and 30 minutes from beautiful mountains and fresh air, and in the north is a town called Marchand Dessalines tucked between mountains and rice paddies. We went for a hike of sorts in the morning when we were there and there was an amazing mist rising off the paddies and swirling around the mountains, with the blue sky and bright bright sun above -- it was an astonishing vista of sparkling green, blue, and yellow so bright you had to close your eyes, softened with the diaphanous grey of the mist. It was almost appallingly beautiful, especially when compared to the poverty and neglect that permeates Haiti. It is nothing short of tragic that the country is in the state it is; so much potential and beauty just wasted, utterly. Do a quick comparison of the Dominican Republic, which takes up the other two-thirds of Hispaniola but is pretty much identical to Haiti in terms of natural resources, and you can see what *could* be in Haiti but just isn't. And might never be.

Some of the more amusing moments of my trip:
-- Getting off the plane in Port-au-Prince, I realized that living in the Netherlands may have caused permanent physiological damage. Those of you who have lived in Northern Europe know that by the middle of December, you're lucky to have five hours of good daylight, the effect of which is usually weakened by cloudy weather and the fact that the sun doesn't rise very high in the sky, just sort of skims across the horizon. So after living with that for the last couple of months, my body had apparently lost the ability to react to full sunlight -- I emerged from the plane and was nearly blinded when my pupils did not immediately contract -- I felt like a mole person!

-- It seems that a common form of campaigning in local elections is to simply spray paint the candidate's name and slogan on buildings (houses, businesses, whatever) or walls. A great example of this was someone named Bob Manuel whose slogan was 'Securite'. The irony of this made me laugh every time -- apparently Bob's definition of security does not include the protection of private property.

-- Most of the buildings in PAP are the sort of shabby, structurally unsound, poured concrete constructions you often see in less-developed countries, but there are a few really nice ones, including some of the old colonial buildings and a few new ones that were built either by foreigners or by Digicel, the big mobile phone company. There was one building that was maybe 10 or 15 stories tall, obviously modeled after office buildings in the US or Europe (albeit circa 1985) that I believe was attacked in last April's unrest. It is still standing, and there was an armed guard outside of it, which makes me think it must still have some things of value inside, but it has a lot of broken windows and looks generally like trash. Anyhow, spraypainted on the gate was the word 'Babel', which I found enormously clever and accurate.

-- One day we went up into the mountains to see Fort Jacques, one of the oldest forts in Haiti originally designed to allow the general in charge of PAP after the revolution to keep an eye on the whole port in case the French tried to attack that way. The view was astonishing, you could see so much of the region, including the whole of PAP, which is pretty impressive since it sort of sprawls in a disorderly fashion between the mountains and the sea. Our tour guide was pointing out places of interest in the city -- the airport, the US Embassy, and an area of town called Cite Soleil. If you do a quick Google search of Cite Soleil and UN, you will see that this area has a history of confrontation and violence, largely b/c it is a very poor area (even for PAP) with a large gang and organized crime presence that the UN responded to poorly and inconsistently. Anyhow, as we are standing on the top of lovely Fort Jacques, our tour guide is pointing everything out for us: 'To the left is the Cathedral, the US Embassy is next to that sort of empty area over there, the airport is straight ahead...Oh, and that area over there, the one with the big smoke cloud is Cite Soleil.' I'm sure they were just burning trash or something, but it seemed somehow fitting that it had the appearance of being on fire. :-/

-- Stephane, his cousin Leitzia, her husband Steve, and I all went to the nicest hotel in PAP (really, it's nice even by US standards), Hotel Montana, for some wine one night. Located on one of the mountains that surround PAP, the hotel has a beautiful view of the city, especially at night when the lights are on, which is not all the time since PAP has rolling blackouts throughout the night since they don't have the infrastructure to keep the power on all the time. (In fact, you could watch this happen from the terrace of the hotel, which was sort of fun. You also notice that there are some areas of town where the power rarely goes out -- one guess who lives in these areas...) Anyhow, we were enjoying some wine and fresh air on the terrace and looking at the city below, where there was one building that clearly put a lot of effort into decorating for Christmas. It was a big building, sort of modern from what I could tell, with lots of Christmas lights hanging from the roof to the ground, all lit up, and Leitzia insisted this was the Presidential Palace or Congress or one of those. Even I was a bit skeptical about this b/c this building did not look anything like those buildings and my rudimentary sense of direction in PAP told me that was not the right area. Stephane and Steve agreed that this building could not possibly be what she thought it was, but Leitzia was so sure that she bet Stephane $200 it was. Our waiter was then consulted for his opinion and he laughed and said, 'No, of course that's not the Palace!' So Leitzia was embarrassed and Stephane was gloating and THEN our waiter brought the entire wait staff over to look at the building and laugh as a group when they heard that she thought it was the Palace -- haha...I think Stephane is still waiting for his $200.

So, yes, it was an entertaining trip, I'm looking forward to going back in a couple of weeks for Carnival, the cultural event of the year in Haiti. Gary and Ron think I'm crazy for wanting to go to places like Haiti, but it felt a lot more comfortable for me than most of the places I've lived, more like home than many places that were called by that name.

Joyeux Noel d'Haiti!

Arrived in one piece, and minus one piece of luggage, on Sunday. Things are going well (luggage was recovered yesterday, so I now have more than two pairs of underwear -- woohoo!), Haiti is a fascinating, somewhat contradictory place and I'm having a good time being introduced to it. I've had three Latin dance lessons and can do a respectable imitation of the salsa and chacha (less so the bachata), we went to a very nice Haitian music concert last night, and I have a meeting today w/someone about my research. Tomorrow we will have Christmas with Stephane's family and I am looking forward to my favorite Haitian food, accra (it's like a saltier, bigger, tastier hush puppy -- sort of). For the weekend we may be going to Cap Haitien/La Citadelle, or if we can work it out, I will be meeting up w/some Americans who are going to Gonaives (one of the areas hardest hit by the hurricanes) to do mental health work and spending a day or two at the beach. Not too shabby!

Hope your holidays are as good or better than mine, miss you all.

Charity Ball 2008

These are best viewed from the bottom up -- forgot that blogger loads them in reverse order. The Charity Ball is held every year to raise money for scholarships for students from less-developed country. So some of us paid for a ticket that was then used to pay us -- haha...

My back, which apparently the photographer really liked b/c he took two pictures like this one.

Me telling the chef that I don't really like dessert -- he took it better than I thought.

Seda and I waiting in line to pay for our winnings.

Denisa and me walking out of the bidding room like we had already won everything in there.



Apparently something was really funny. Or I couldn't breathe. Not sure.

That old horse...

Saw 'The Devil Came on Horseback' tonight for the first time.

I had some trouble indentifying with the narrator sometimes, this ex-Marine who found a job on the internet 'monitoring the peace' in Sudan in 2004-2005, who at one point wished for a gun and ten other men b/c he would surely then have been able to protect these villages in Darfur from being raided by the Janjaweed. While his obvious overestimation of the US Marines and underestimation of the Janjaweed annoyed me, what I did feel from him and what I totally understood was this sense of helplessness and increased disillusionment.

After he could no longer stand photographing the genocide day after day after day after day, this guy went back to the US armed with thousands of pictures, with reports that were faithfully sent to superiors in the AU central command and were sometimes forwarded to the UN or the State Department. He had unfathomable quantities of concrete evidence of the atrocities committed in Darfur, almost from the beginning -- and truly, these pictures will haunt your dreams -- so one can understand why he thought that if he shared this information, something might actually happen. And nothing has. Not a f-ing thing.

Since he is now persona non grata in Soudan (imagine!), he decided to go to Chad to talk to some of the refugees there. It looked like he was in Bahai or Farchana, not where I was, but the story is the same: All these people, looking to the UN, to the US, to anyone for help. And guess what -- it's not coming. These children who watched their families burn to death, these women who were raped repeatedly and mutilated, these men who managed to hide or run and actually escape -- these people are sitting by the hundreds of thousands, waiting.

But they're waiting for something that is not coming, they need to start to understand that and to rebuild where they are or where they can. Which is why when I was in Chad, I became so angry at the realization that the UN isn't helping these people, it is not being honest with them, it is not empowering them or helping these people make the most of the lives they had to work so hard to save: The UN and many of its implementing partners (not all, but many) are exploiting these people and their donors. They are making money out of a culture of dependency. They are taking advantage of one of the most horrific tragedies ever to stain the pages of human history.

The first crime occurred when the government of Soudan persecuted this vile campaign against the people of Darfur, and the Chadian government isn't too far behind its neighbor, as it does nothing to stop the Janjaweed from deranging their own citizens as well as the refugees that have flooded its borders. But the second and more insidious, despicable crime is that perpetrated by the people who are supposed to help. What are you helping exactly when, three years after these people fled their homes, you have yet to assist them in re-building the social networks they so desperately need now, or you have yet to encourage them to begin learning how to feed themselves through farming or bartering*, but instead leave them dependent on your irregular distributions of insufficient food?? What are you helping when you spend less money on education than you do on encouraging the government to draft Parliamentary bills and statements on human rights that mean *nothing* to these people?? Give me a break.

Toward the end of the movie, the narrator says that after doing everything he has done, he still feels like it has achieved very little and he says all he can say now when he encounters refugees is he 'supports' them, but that seems so empty to him. That's exactly what it feels like: empty. You want so badly to help these people and they need so desperately for someone to help them -- to *really* help them -- but you begin to lose hope. When you've tried so much for so long, and nothing happens, you begin to lose hope. But the part of the movie that really got to me was when the narrator was going back to the US and he assumed that of the thousands of NGO workers operating in the Darfur region at the start of the genocide, at least *some* of them would have been talking about it, would have been trying to make the press and the people know what was going on. But they weren't. In fact, when he got back to the US and started sharing his pictures and documentation, he was asked by the State Department to *stop* these activties, for fear of causing offense. No one in the system wants to talk about the problem, not really.

I was 'released from my contract' for trying to share this sort of information, for putting light on a situation so deplorable, no one should tolerate it. And I still don't know why people do tolerate this. But they do.

Knowing this, bearing the consequences of this, leaves a dark feeling in my gut, and my heart shrinks away.



*There is in fact a US organization that is attempting to do these sorts of activities, but they have met w/limited success b/c for the majority of refugees, it is easier to just go to WFP or HCR for handouts than it is for them to do the work themselves. And in case you thought this was just human laziness, get familiar w/learned helplessness -- people who once were able and willing to take care of themselves lose the will and/or the ability to do so after repeated traumatization, loss, and/or depression. It's not always that they're lazy, it's that they can't do anything else, at least not without a lot of help in the form of psycho-social counseling, skills training, etc.

Charming.

Today is the Dutch celebration of Sinter Klaas, or Saint Claus, a day which makes me want to check the encyclopedia for the difference between this guy and the Saint Nicholas we AND the Dutch honor on Christmas Eve (they say there's a difference, but I'm really not convinced). And how do Dutch celebrate Sinter Klaas? Well, settle back, boys and girls for a tale that could only have been concocted in the Netherlands (or maybe the US prior to civil rights).

From what I can gather -- and bear in mind that I have done very little fact-checking on this am relying entirely on the various accounts I have received here -- Sinter Klaas arrives on a boat from Northern Africa, via Spain, every year to give special treats to the good children and to whack the bad children into unconsicousness with a rod. He then stuffs the bad children into his sack, in which he will transport them back to Africa where they will work as his slaves. Oh, and did I mention he already has some special little unpaid, permanent 'helpers' who are of a skin tone rather darker than his own? Do a Google Image search for 'Zwarte Piet' and see what you get...The Dutch insist that they are not being racist by dressing in black face and bright red lipstick whilst skipping along next to old Klaas, but I have to say, I am just a bit taken aback every time I see what really looks like a character from Little Black Sambo grinning at me like a fool.

But back to the naughty and nice bit. If one manages to be worthy of a treat rather than a one-way ticket to human trafficking, this treat is delivered into your waiting shoe, which is left out at night before the children go to sleep. This bit is not entirely weird to me -- after all, we do hang stockings every year, which are now mostly symbolic, but once were actually worn by people on their feet.

What I did find weird was what happened when I participated in this tradition. Last night, one of the few Dutch people at our school organized a little Sinter Klaas party, where we watched a movie and set out our shoes, which were to be filled overnight by Sinter Klaas and his Piet with some sort of goody. I dutifully brought a shoe and set it next to the others and was looking forward to a bit of chocolate or other yummies. The weirdness is what came next: What I found in my shoe this morning was indeed chocolate and other yummies, but it was just loose in my shoe -- my obviously USED shoe. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH A BUNCH OF UNCOVERED FOOD IN MY SHOE?? My shoe that I have sweat in and worn in the streets of many different cities and at least two continents and which now carries untold billions of germs. WTF, Sinter Klaas?? Ever hear about infectious disease, or do you not come from *that* part of Africa?? Or maybe they just don't have Ziploc in those parts.

Sadly, there was a moment where I considered at least tasting what looked like a nice bit of chocolate, but then I recovered my senses and headed straight for the nearest bin, where any interested party can now find my presents.

I'm not really sure that this is better than a blow to the head.

Fun w/European Rap

If Missy Elliot and Pink had a French baby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPn_kgSfvwA

If Dr. Dre (circa 1991) was white and German:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2_eVZKu28g

Contradicting what I've heard, Berlin must be a pretty cool city if it produces this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9b2j2g42nQ

'If you can't say anything nice...'

Many of you have been asking me to tell you about where I am living now, and you may have noticed that I have not done so. In keeping w/the old adage referenced in the title and in an effort to demonstrate that I did, in fact, learn a lesson or two from the whole Chad fiasco, I have not yet given any info or anecdotes about Maastricht. But since no situation is ever wholly bad (even there is not much good), I offer the following:

-- I like the town. Maastricht is a medium-sized city that is a bit of an oddity in this region. The Limburg region of the Netherlands is not unlike the Southeastern US -- poorer, less educated, and its inhabitants identify more w/their region than they do w/the rest of the country, but also friendlier and more easy-going than the rest of the country. Maastricht, however, is quite wealthy, populated mostly by posh middle-aged and older people, along w/a large college community. The city itself is small enough that a person does not need a car, but also has a lot of bigger city attractions -- TONS of shopping, lots of cultural events/festivals, restaurants, etc., not unlike Charleston.

-- The River Maas runs through the town, leading to very picturesque daily walks across the bridge. I live in a nice neighborhood on the 'new' side of the river (it's still medieval) and my office is on the old side (initially settled by the Romans -- holy crap!), so each day I walk across the river at least twice and have been treated to lovely sunsets, cloudscapes as the rains move in and out, and this amazing fog that fills the streets and settles on the river in a layer so thick, you cannot see the end of the bridge on which you walk. You all know how much I love water, so this makes living inland seem not so bad.

-- The buildings in the older parts of town are great -- medieval, Renaissance, and 18th century stone contraptions w/slate roofs...Very nice. Oh, and the streets are nearly all cobblestone in these areas, which is quaint.

-- I like that they have hung and lit the Christmas garlands across the streets and now the stores are open past 5 and on Sundays.

-- I LOVE my favorite cafe/pub where the owners know my name and I only pay for half of my drinks, and they always have good music -- Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald, etc. Also, it is the smallest cafe in the Netherlands and is super-cute.

-- I have met nice people and really like my living situation. Our apartment is awesome -- three stories and everyone has their own room -- and well-located (you can Google it if you want: Wycker Grachtstraat 24, Maastricht). Since my roommates are also students in my program, we are all often busy and therefore do not usually have logistical problems like bathroom-sharing or laundry issues. But when we are home, we often cook together or watch movies (or Gilmore Girls if Melissa is in charge) or just chat and hang out. We also do fun things like bicycling or dancing (well, everyone else bicycles all the time, but I only bike when it's above 60/15 and when we are not in the busy parts of town -- haha -- and we only go dancing when the School has an event w/a DJ b/c the only dance club in town is called 'Dance Club for Students' which tells you all you need to know). We go to places w/other people from the school, like the shisha bar or the Turkish restaurant a few towns over or this neat movie theater that plays only indie films and is staffed entirely by volunteers. I now have good friends from Uganda, India, Turkey, and of course the EU, so I will have lots of interesting vacation options in the future!

-- There is a small nature preserve not far from my house where wild horses live. I was disappointed the first time I went there b/c I did not see the horses, but every time I have been back I have seen them and they even followed me around one time, which made me happy except that I wasn't sure how wild they really are and I was worried that they would start chasing me or would bite me if I petted them -- haha....

-- What I like best is that I will be here for only one year.

Democracy in Action...?

Being the good citizen that I am and wishing to keep my legitimate right to complain about all things political by actually participating in the funny little system we call American democracy, I requested my absentee ballot as soon as I arrived here in the Netherlands. After confirming that I am both myself and not resident in my voting precinct at this moment, I settled in to wait w/great anticipation for my ballot to arrive.

A month later, I am still waiting. Becoming concerned (and annoyed, but that goes without saying), I called the elections office yesterday. You can imagine my happiness when my phone call was answered by a recording informing me that all elections officers were busy helping other citizens and to call back. You can imagine my further happiness when I did call back -- 20 times -- and received the same message each time. Becoming convinced that this was a trick on the part of our civil servants to devote more time to watching soap operas than to serving me, the public, I decided to deploy a two-pronged communications attack. So I sent a rather terse email 'requesting' someone to get back to me right away. Dangit.

Just after sending the email, I decided to try calling again and this attempt technically met with success. I say technically because I did in fact get through to a human being, but the information given to me was somewhat less than satisfying. The exchange went something like this:

Me: Hi, I'm jules, [big story leading to Where the heck is my ballot??]

My Tax Dollars at Work, in Southern drawl: Wayl, hun, ya know, once that ballot is in the mail, there's nuthin we can do about it.

Me: Okay...So there's no tracking number or anything?

MTDW, as if I had asked if dogs can marry cats: Oh, no!

Me: Um....Well, if it doesn't show up soon, can I request another one?

MTDW: Oh, no, hun -- we have a missin' ballot out there, we can't just send you another one when that one's not accounted for.

Me: Right, but that is sort of the problem -- my ballot is missing and I can't vote.

MTDW: Well, ya know, we've had ballots that took a week just to get across the county, so why don't you give it a little more time?

Me, sensing this was going nowhere fast: Yeah, okay, good idea. Maybe I'll just give it two more weeks, eh? Have a good day.

Feeling remarkably underwhelmed by my election officials, I was pleasantly surprised to check my email just after I got off the phone and find a response from another member of the election bureau staff. The contents of this email are pasted as follows:
You may have to go the FPC (federal post card) way, this can be done by e-mail....look it up on Google and basically follow the instructions,just make sure you sign it.

Yes, that's right -- the official answer to all of my problems? Google it! Amazingly (or not), this actually worked, so it looks like a) American democracy is now powered by Google, and b) I will get to vote after all, which, oddly, still excites me, despite my too-deep knowledge of the inner workings of the American political machine and the further knowledge that when you're registered in a state like mine, your vote doesn't really matter anyhow. But by golly, I want my stinking ballot and if I have to go to Google to get it, then so be it. Maybe I will vote for Google for some local office. Like court clerk. Or coroner.

Let's get indignant!

The four of you still bothering to read my blog are probably hoping for some sort of update or description of my new living arrangements, which I have been tempted to do, but could never be bothered. But I can always be bothered for a bit of outrage, so I am writing instead about the $700 billion bailout that somehow miraculously, mercifully failed to be passed yesterday in the House of Representatives.

For more than a year now, I have grumbled about the smaller bailouts -- of banks, of companies, of people who foolishly took out loans they could not afford -- on the principle that you do not reward poor decision-making. All of these entities made very bad decisions, took very big risks and now must face the consequences of these decisions. To give them money or pick them up and dust them off is simply to deprive them of a valuable lesson they would otherwise have learned and to encourage them to continue the very practices that led them into trouble before.

This most recent proposed bailout is staggering in size/cost, it is provocative in its absolute lack of accountability mechanisms (you really think it's a good idea to give one man complete discretion for how to allocate an amount of money nearly equal to the GDP of the Netherlands?), and it is almost ridiculous in its complete opposition to the very liberal economic tenets America is so fond of touting and imposing on others. Further, the fact that the American taxpayer is now being asked to pay for the mistakes of corporations not renowned for their social sensitivity is offensive. These people should pay for their own mistakes, not the American public. (For example, a 'securities transfer tax' similar to the one currently used in Britain and previously used in the US in more financially responsible times would both inject cash into the market -- the primary aim of this bailout -- and would generally spare the average American the burden of providing this liquidity.)

This crisis, if it can be called so, has been building for more than a decade. It did not just happen. What just happened is that people realized the hole they were digging was rather deeper than they had intended and are now being forced to ask for help (or in the case of Lehman, have the dirt thrown on top of them). But this whole situation has been looming, but between public reluctance to question what is perceived as 'easy money' and corporate reluctance to disclose their dealings, the whole matter was left to spiral, and not in a positive direction. We are paying now for our self-imposed ignorance and irresponsibility. But rather than face this and make an attempt at accepting responsibility for a problem that took years to reach its current level, our politicians proposed a plan that absolves people from culpability and which was hastily thrown together and advocated a plan that can only be described as a 'quick fix'.

You don't fix decades of mismanagement with a plan influenced more by politics than economics and slapped together in a matter of days. You are facing a systemic failure, you change the fucking system.

This bailout was proposed as a 'drastic measure' to address what is apparently seen as a drastic situation. What about other 'drastic measures' that will effect long-term benefits socially, environmentally, AND economically? For example, decreasing consumption through rationing, decreasing subsidies, and getting serious about decreasing America's foreign debt by decreasing the amount of cheap foreign goods purchased. Americans are always crying about China and Japan and India, but they never seem to make the connection that they are financing their supposed aggressors. Here's an idea, 'budget shoppers': Start checking the labels on the things you're buying and consider whether it is worth it to you to spend an extra dollar to buy something not made by a foreign competitor. For too long, Americans have simply consumed everything presented to them, demanding increasingly lower prices even for goods with increasingly limited supplies (hello, gasoline!), without bothering to understand how corporations are able to provide them with these cheap goods in an increasingly expensive world.

Many people at this moment are stating that the government must provide a cash infusion to the financial markets in order to prevent a credit crisis, which would cause the economy to shrink. What these people fail to point out or understand, depending on your level of cynicism, is that maybe a smaller economy and less credit is exactly what is needed right now. Maybe, and I know this is a wild idea, maybe it is time for people at all levels -- individual, governmental, corporate -- to re-learn fiscal responsibility and stop expecting easy money, cheap everything, and a consequence-free existence.

Donnez-moi un instant de faveur (juste encore une fois)

If I were a different kind of Christian, I would be 'called' or 'convicted'.

But I'm not that kind of Christian, so all I know is that deep in my belly, in the primordial churning of my gut, I feel like my purpose in life is to facilitate, improve, and create mental health services in developing and/or post-conflict countries.

I also know that mental health is not on the first level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and that other things must be taken care of before people want to think about mental well-being. But I don't feel like those other things are my purpose and in any event, there are many people far better-qualified than I to carry out that mission.

For me, the single thing I want to do with my life, the single focus of my life for the last four years, is/has been to give what skills I have to those who need them most. That's all I want to do. I don't want to read newspaper or journal articles and have civilized conversations about them in my insulated, glossy world. I don't want to exploit people or gawk at or sensationalize their situations. I don't want to make money off of the suffering of others. I don't want to sit in an air-conditioned office or hotel room talking about what is best for people I have probably never seen. All I want to do is take my skills to the places they are needed most, and use them.

And despite the unfortunate end of my tenure in Chad, I do have much-needed skills (and I now have important lessons learned, as well). I want to go to these places for all the right reasons, I have a relevant skill-set and a deep, unwavering desire to use it and yet....

And yet.

I write you unemployed, despite numerous attempts at finding a position (including unpaid internships) that might allow me to once again feel as if I were in my right place. The closest I have thus far managed is to gain admittance to a university to study for a Ph.D. in a field that I am praying will allow me to put my foot back in the door. But I'll have to use the other foot, b/c this one has been crushed by the repeated slamming of said door.

While I appreciate the singular opportunity that has been offered to me by being allowed into this Ph.D. program, I must still ask the question: Why? Why is it that a person like me cannot even successfully beg for a job in this field, a field I now know to be populated by the self-interested, the self-righteous, and the just plain pragmatic, while I just want to give as much of myself as I can offer? But more than that, why do I feel so strongly that this is what I *must* do to feel complete, why is this the only part of my life that has offered some odd sort of fulfillment when it is seems at this moment that it is simply not going to happen for me? Why would God/Fate/Karma/Whatever do this? Why make every bone inside me whisper that this is my desire, this is my place -- why make me feel out of place in my own country, in my own culture -- when it is becoming increasingly plain that I am not permitted to live the life I could swear I was made for??

Yes, this is self-indulgent.

Yes, I am whining.

And yes, it is possible that I am catastrophizing just a bit.

But I just don't know what else to do when my heart is still breaking and the best I can hope for is that the gamble I've made by embarking on this Ph.D. program will pay off and I will one day be allowed back to the world I so unwillingly left five months ago, the world I finally scratched my way into only to be turned out again, the world that, although so wholly foreign from the physical surroundings in which I was raised, was the closest I have felt to home in my entire life. It was home b/c it was what is right for me, and I may never see it again.

Made me laugh

Here are two of the most amusing things I've seen on the Internet lately. The first one I should probably not find amusing, but I do -- I'm insensitive, whatever.

The latest in swimwear: http://www.ahiida.com/index.php?a=subcats&cat=20

Was randomly on the APC website and found their frontispiece both entertaining and unexpected. I think the military should consider this one!: http://www.aperfectcircle.com/ If you hit Refresh, new ones come up. Some are more snide than others....heh.

What is this unfamiliar spectacle?? Could it be...progress?

Some of you older, more loyal readers may remember me ranting on about cluster bombs waaaay back in August of 2006, and for those of you who are new or wisely decided to clear space in your brain for more important things, here is the link: http://everythggoodwastaken.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html

The point of that post was to point out the barbarity and senselessness of these weapons, using the July 2006 conflict between Israel and Lebanon as an illustration. At the time, I stated that the use of cluster bombs was unacceptable, particularly when one considers the great risk they pose to civilians unlucky enough to be caught in wars many of them would rather sit out. Apparently 111 countries agree with me, as today a treaty banning the use of cluster bombs was signed! The agreement even calls for all current stockpiles in signatory countries to be destroyed within eight years and could potentially lead to the removal of US inventories in signatory nations where the US military operates. If I wasn't so tired right now, I might actually have cried a little bit -- this treaty represents a rare moment of clarity and progress in the loooong struggle toward a universal concern for human protection, these moments are few and far between and this one ever-so-slightly warmed my cold, cynical heart.

Naturally, the US did not sign this treaty, deeming cluster bombs far too critical to their vaunted military operations. While disappointing, this is not especially surprising. What I found more annoying, though, were the following quotes (found in this article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080530/ap_on_re_eu/ireland_cluster_bombs) from a person who heads what I'm sure is a reliable, impartial think tank on par with, oh, Fox News. Ahem. This genius (and real humanitarian!) offered the following in response to this historic, shockingly progressive treaty:

"This is a treaty drafted largely by countries which do not fight wars," said John Pike, a defense analyst and director of GlobalSecurity.org.
"Treaties like this make me want to barf. It's so irrelevant. Completely feel-good," he said.

Asked whether U.S. forces would ever ban or restrict cluster-bomb technology, Pike said, "It's not gonna happen. Our military is in the business of winning wars and using the most effective weapons to do so."

So let's make a quick list of the MANY problems w/these statements:
1) Not since middle school have I heard someone imply that people who do not fight are somehow inferior.
2) Barf??? Really??? You said, 'barf,' in an official interview??
3) I am curious about Mr. Pike's definition of 'irrelevant'. More than half of all recognized states, including most of our NATO allies, signed this treaty, which to me seems the opposite of irrelevant. But maybe he is of the school that considers all things irrelevant until they are endorsed by Amerrrica.
4) Recent conflicts would suggest that the American military is more in the business of protracted, obtuse struggles with no clear outcome, not 'winning wars.'
4b) If these cluster bombs are integral to the current American strategy of how to win wars, the military should re-evaluate their effectiveness since, um, they don't seem to be working.

You know what? I'm sure there are far more eloquent, less propagandized critics of this treaty who could have defended the American decision not to sign, but I'm glad it was this guy. It makes it all that much easier for me to ignore the nay-sayers and delight in the fact that for once, common decency and concern for human life found a place in politics.

Diff'rent Strokes

At many points in my history, I have found myself thinking, "Well, *I* wouldn't have done that." Usually this is after being subjected to a reality TV show or seeing a new picture of some st(harlot)'s snatch, but periodically this utterance is issued when someone I care for does something puzzling. Puzzling to me, I should say.

Because I am now a little afraid of my own blog and its apparent power to disconcert, I do not wish to provide examples for fear of upsetting someone, but let's just say it has become increasingly apparent to me that I need to learn to accept the fact that I do things differently from most people, for good and ill.

Festered over this situation whilst having soup, salad, and beer at a little pub near my hotel room and was terribly amused to observe the following:
Two black men walk into a British-ish pub in Manhattan. Moments later their waitress comes to the bar asking if Remy VSOP is available. The barmaid replies in the negative. The waitress returns shortly to ask if Hennessey is available. The barmaid rolls her eyes as she reaches for the bottle and then says as she hands the glass over to the waitress, 'Let me guess -- they're black." I laugh hysterically at this, mostly because the barmaid is right, and then I am further amused when the waitress hisses to the barmaid, 'She just heard you!' and I was tempted to start singing a medley of rap songs that mention Remy and Hennessey as desirable beverages.

Also, I have to be honest, although there is a lot going on w/me these days, I lack the means of making it seem amusing -- mostly b/c it's not -- so I am afraid the blog will be rather lackluster for the foreseeable future. I recommend a monthly (at most) perusal so as not to waste your time. Am hoping to get it back in order, but...well, I just don't know.

Let's party like it's...1939?

Appalling. I have no other words for this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080412/ap_on_re_eu/belarus_jewish_bones_1

Back by popular demand...

...and against the protests of others.

Really nothing that interesting or controversial to relate here. But then again, I never thought there was. So what the fuck do I know.

Currently back in the US (excitement scale: 3) and looking for a new job (excitement scale: 5.5) with some interesting opportunities (excitement scale: 7-10), waiting to see what happens (excitement scale 1-10). I can say that when I was interviewing w/one of my many former employers, all of whom have hired me for work most people would find distasteful, one of them said, 'Even those who have not renewed with us have felt that their experience w/us changed their perspective on life.' Well, I will say that Chad changed my perspective on life, although I will not say that the employer who said the previous statement was the employer who sent me to Chad.

As many of you may know, I am looking at new jobs in Haiti, Sudan, and, yes, even Chad. Maybe during the rainy season we will get along better. Either way, not looking domestically or even European-ally in the near future. We will see who will take me. My money is on Haiti.

Either way, I never thought being 'released' could be such a liberating, positive experience. The only thing left to ponder is whether or not I told them enough. I think not.

No cell phone

And therefore no long distance to call most of you. Am in the US, but still waiting for either Chester or Eli to work out the cell phone situation (the latter b/c he screwed it up in the first place and the former b/c he's got the mad hook-up), but until then, if you lovelies could call me, I would appreciate it. 410.451.2376. Miss you all like the dickens!!

Incroyable!

My amazing friend Marion has been selected as a finalist in the Nature Conservancy's Nature Photo of the Year Contest! Her picture really is amazing and you can see it and VOTE FOR IT at this address:

http://support.nature.org/site/PageServer?pagename=bestnature2007_ph6

The other ones are obviously pretty good, too, but Mar's is truly superior, a mon avis, so go vote for it!!

Also, I learned yesterday that my US cell phone has taken a holiday in Korea (don't ask) and I am not sure that it will be back at my house by the time I arrive on Tues. Since my brain stopped remembering numbers about three seconds after I got my first cell phone and became completely reliant on my contacts list, I don't have a number for most of you. Therefore, if everyone who would like to hear from me would email me their numbers, that would be great...(Totally channeling Office Space right there, heh.)

Support my philanthropic efforts!

I have agreed to participate in a 5K run in support of finding a cure for breast cancer. If you would like to donate some money to a worthy cause (and what is sure to be a comical day in my life, trotting over hill and dale as fast as my asthmatically-diminished lungs will allow), follow my link:

http://KMD2007RFTC.kintera.org/pleasegodletmemakeittothefinish

Will write more soon, but in the meantime, give me your money. I mean, give your money to a good cause via me.

Look, she's got no hair!!

'Ah, where'd it go?!' (or, 'Eat a damn biscuit, girl!')
'Who's that boy?'
I swear it looks better than this in real life.

Oh...my...gosh...

If you've not already seen this, you really should:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdzchIMi43Y


Make sure you pay attn. to the lyrics. I first heard this song when I was driving one of my young clients home and I def. laughed, even though I should have just changed the station. I'm such a good employee.

Also on the list of recent moments when I have laughed inappropriately w/a child: Whilst supervising a group scavenger hunt at the Natural History Museum, I witnessed a young girl of abt. 8 y.o. run headlong toward a glass display case and *bounce*off*. As if this were not enough to make me bust a gut, the girl's mom tried to make her feel better by knocking her own head against the glass (gently, of course) saying, 'Oh, yeah, it's hard to see this glass!' AH-HAHAHA!!

"I drink a lot."

As many of you know, I recently started a new job. Helping ppl. Specifically, I work w/kids in inner city Washington, DC, who are underpriveleged and in need of mental health services. In fact, most of them are in need of new parents, but as a result of having only shit ones, these kids now need mental health services. Which I provide.

The first six wks. of this little karmic experiment went pretty well, meaning that although my kids all have terrible backgrounds and I saw terrible thgs. related to them (e.g., schools w/o electricity, teenage neighbors w/handguns, mom w/eight kids notifying me of being pregnant w/#9, etc.), my kids themselves did a pretty good job of keeping it together. At least when they were w/me, which, I will admit, is my top priority. Ideally, I would like for these kids to be able to act straight in all settings -- that is sort of the point of our work, after all -- but to be honest, that is simply not going to be possible for most of them. So if they can act like a normal, rational human being for a couple of hrs. ea. wk. while they're w/me, fab-o.

Unfortunately, reality, it seems, has finally begun to set in. One girl has decided she would rather return to juvenile detention than follow the rules at home. One of my boys is temporarily banished fr. my car b/c he found it impossible to keep his seatbelt on and not touch the steering wheel while we drove. Another boy has refused to attend evening substance abuse treatment, instead choosing to escalate his abuse, abscond fr. home, and necessitate involuntary hospitalization. And those are just the highlights -- I could continue in this manner w/all 18 of my cases.

Last wk., at the beginning of the end, as I stood explaining to one of my kids why I was going to have to call her probation officer and then the police as a result of her intransigently unsafe, belligerent behavior, I recalled a scene fr. my interview for this job. My future supervisors asked me what I did to relax, how did I go home at the end of a hard day in the pits of Hell and make myself feel better. This question was not actually surprising, given the nature of this job, and I made an apparently satisfactory answer involving social support, music, and horseback riding. But what surprised me was the answer that almost immediately flew fr. my mouth, the answer that, even half-joking though it was intended, would have been a deal breaker had it slipped forth: "I drink a lot."

And so I do. Not generally during the wk. (though that is not a hard and fast rule) and def. not while I am at work, but I do -- I drink a lot.

Give me a stinking break.

Being the dutiful child I am, I spent my w/e visiting family, first a day w/my stepmom (for the moment) and my half-siblings, then an overnight visit w/my grandmother. The number of features that could make this the most annoying w/e ever are manifold: my awkward position of marriage counselor/confidante in my dad and stepmom's continuing marital weirdness; my grandmother's obssessive-compulsive disorder; the $235 car repair bill I had to pay. And so on and so on, ad nauseum (mostly my nauseum).

But the crowning glory must be the three times people asked if I was my grandmother's daughter. Not once, not twice, but THREE times someone seemed to think I look old enough to be my 72 y.o. grandmother's daughter.

What the frick, ppl.???

I am now shopping for a sturdy paper bag w/which I can cover my apparently haggard face. This is why I didn't want to turn 25.

A little smthg. w/which to scare the kids...

My house is infested w/spiders. Big, brown, nocturnal, semi-hairy, jumping spiders. And that does not even begin to describe how repulsive they are in the, um, whatever arachnids have for flesh. I have been assured that my most unwelcome guests are not of the brown recluse variety, but I would rather not test those waters to make sure. Oh, and did I mention that there used to be a Gigantor one that lived in a corner of our cathedral ceiling in the living room and when she ate (I'm pretty sure it was a she b/c it actually had a web, unlike the others, and I think that's where she kept her spawn), you could *hear* her -- "clickclickclick." Her pincers clicking, snipping through the thorax of her meal, you could *hear* that, 15 feet below, sitting on our couch, trying to watch The Simpsons or some such bullshit.

Pret-ty Gross. But, not gross enough to overcome my inability to kill thgs. I don't know when this happened, but it seems I am loathe to kill anythg., even nasty bug interlopers. These spiders have shown up everywhere fr. my dresser drawers to my BED. And still, I could not actually kill one. Usually, I would just flail and they would scurry or I would get one of the cats to chase the latest offendor into hiding. Occasionally, for v. small ones that did not yet scare the bejeezus out of me, I would scoop them up w/a glass and take them outside.

But the tide has turned decidedly against the eight-legged invaders. It is on. Full-on Bugs-You-Are-Going-Down War.

The other day, I stepped out of the shower, started toweling off, thinking how glad I am that winter is over and the bathroom is no longer cold when I get out of the hot water and wondering where my leave-in conditioner had gotten to, when I noticed that my navy blue towel had suddenly sprouted a spot of unattractive brown color. And then the spot moved toward my face. Oh, the hell no. Much as I would like to say that I did not shriek and jump around like I moron, I cannot. In fact, I squealed so loudly, Eli thought I had fallen in the tub and hurt myself (I'm a little surprised I didn't). I did, however, manage to compose myself enough to shake the towel quite aggressively, a maneuver which not only removed the spider fr. my towel, but also injured it. Feeling it would be wrong to lv. it to suffer so, I called Eli in to the bathroom and he picked it up w/some TP and put it in the toilet. Dead. I felt a little bad abt. this.

Until tonight.

Again, minding my own business, on my way to the bathroom to get some floss so I can start my nightly routine, when -- FLPTH!! TWO AND A HALF INCH SPIDER ON MY FOOT. Asshole *jumped* out fr. behind my bedroom door and onto my foot -- and I am not exaggerating. He didn't stay there long, but it was enough: one of us had to go. For a little bit, it looked like it would be me. I immediately laced on a pair of sneakers (needed smthg. to protect my now-tainted feet) and I contemplated just sleeping in the guest bedroom and lvng. my bedroom to the spider. But then I saw the spider attempting to get INTO MY BED and it was over. It was my own little post-traumatic flashback montage: envisioning the last time I found a spider in my bed crawling up my arm, thinking of the one of my towel, the one I found in my pajamas...ARGH!! I got a pair of gloves, put a plastic bag over my foot, hurled small objects at the fucker until he was trapped in a corner and then I did it -- I killed him. W/my plastic-bag clad foot, I squashed him.

I felt sort of happy, like I had accomplished smthg., until I thought abt. how I must have looked: I was hunched over, shaking slightly, in a corner of my room wearing fleece gloves, tennis shoes, an Old Navy shopping bag covering my right leg fr. the knee down, and...a blue satin nighty. That's right, folks, I had thought it would be nice to put on smthg. cute for Eli since I'm moving in a wk. and then he goes to Korea for a yr. And this is how it ended -- me in a blue teddy, looking like a mental patient, muttering abt. killer spiders, wearing gloves in 80 degree heat, and stomping around w/a plastic bag on one foot. Spicy.

Germ vs. Paper; Like Lemmings Off the Cliff; Quelle Surprise!

Really? You *really* think that works??

As many of you know, I have long prided myself on having a bladder made of smthg. akin to steel, but more flexible, which allows me the luxury of avoiding public restrooms in all but the most emergent of cases. Unfortunately -- but expectedly, given my encroaching decrepitude and age (and the fact that I have finally learned to drink the RDA of water) -- Old Faithful has been letting me down lately. More and more often, I find myself having to interrupt road trips or dinners out so that I may have the distinct displeasure of seeking out public facilities.

I know only a few warped individuals who actually enjoy using public toilets (and those I know only through urban legends, not personal acquaintance), but for me, using a toilet other than my own is a singularly distasteful experience. Blame the early exposure to my grandmother's obsessive-compulsive fixation on disease or the fact that I swear I can feel the tiny molecules lingering fr. someone else's, erm, 'secretion' entering my trachea, but either way, I just have a problem w/communal bathrooms. I shudder, I close my eyes and pray, I even hold my breath on occasion, but one thg. I never do is use those little tissue paper toilet seat covers.

In the past, I felt sort of self-conscious that I did not immediately set abt. unfurling and arranging the bit of gossamer that many others seem to feel is a compulsory component of a visit to the public loo (you can hear them rustling!), but I rarely bothered w/this. I never thought abt. it much, but a few wks. ago, entering the restroom at a local grocery store (no, I really couldn't wait til I finished my shopping), I finally discerned why exactly I generally exempt myself fr. this ritual, despite my excessive aversion to municipal facilities.

My rationale is twofold: 1) The simple fact is, that flimsy bit of paper is absolutely not going to prevent any germs fr. getting through. In fact, half the time it only serves to highlight the many areas of the toilet seat that have already been sullied, which serves only to make the experience that much more repulsive. Furthermore, these toilet seat covers are not, to the best of my knowledge, possessed of any sort of anti-bacterial quality, thereby further lessening their utility, which brings me to 2) What a waste of trees. Honestly, consider how many trees are cut down so that ppl. can lay out these useless 'prophylactics.' In this age of global warming, doesn't it make more sense to stop pretending that tissue paper horseshoe you just put down somehow constitutes a feasible line of defense b/t you and germs of unknown origin when you know v. well that if you tried to blow your nose w/that paper, you would have to fold it no fewer than three times in order to prevent fr. blowing straight through??

Protect the planet, forego the toilet seat cover! After all, it doesn't protect you fr. squat!

This just in: GW replaces lemming as Nature's most infamous surge-er

I'm not going to go to far into this b/c, in the words of The Smiths, 'That joke isn't funny anymore -- it's too close to home and it's too near the bone,' but my blog just wouldn't be mine if I didn't make some snide remark abt. Pres. Bush's brilliant new Iraq strategy, The Surge. And by 'brilliant' I mean 'dumbest thg. since Napoleon's decision to surge into Russia in winter.' A more recent example of this misguided battle plan would be the Johnson administration's decision to throw more troops into the asymmetrical war in Vietnam, which served only to inflate the US casualty list. Well played, boys.

Words cannot convey my feelings when I learned my husband was to be part of this action. But some that come close are: bitter, frustrated, and I-hate-you-motherfuckers.

Reluctantly joining the Quarter Century Club

I am now officially 25. Wee-fricking-haw. For a variety of reasons, I was not thrilled abt. this birt-day. Unenthusiastic does not begin to describe it. In spite of this, my 25th turned out to be quite a nice day. These are the thgs. that made it rock:
1) Jill gave me my presents immediately after I woke up, which include the most awesome contact lense case ever, viewable at: http://welltemperedkitchen.com/lucoleca.html She also took me to lunch at the awesome new Indian buffet, where I def. got my $7.50 worth (mmm, black dahl, I love you...).
2) I got an uber-long-distance call fr. Melissa in the Netherlands just before I left for work and had a v. exciting conversation abt. potential Ph.D. opportunities there -- I am slowly but surely beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, professionally speaking.

3) Found the most beautiful skirt at bebe -- on sale.
4) Was offered free highlights and a haircut at a salon I normally cannot afford.
5) Had a wonderful, mellow, entertaining dinner w/my Chas. girls at Kate's adorable house. Thank you, Christy, for making the pizza dough fr. scratch, and thank you, Charlotte, for helping to 'decorate' the Best Pizza Ever.
6) In addition to the perfect I-don't-want-to-be-25 dinner, Christy, Kate, and Charlotte also gave me fabulous presents, including my new favorite purse, jewelry I love but would be too much of a weenie to buy for myself, and a CD I love but would be too embarrassed to buy for myself -- hee hee...
7) Enough phone calls, emails, and general nice-ness to last me til next birt-day. I feel so warm and fuzzy!

25: I don't love it, but it didn't kill me. Yet.

I can't be bothered w/a real post right now, but this is pretty funny

Soundtrack of My Life Music Shuffle.

To take this survey, put your music player on shuffle, and answer each question with the song that comes on, then put any comments you have.

1. What is your name?
Song: A Little Bit of Ecstasy -- Jocelyn Enriquez
Comments: Well, I always joked abt. wanting to be a stripper...

2. Will you get far in life?
Song: Gold Dust Woman -- Fleetwood Mac
Comments: I could be a hot, manipulative queen ultimately destined for tragedy.

3. How can you get far in life?
Song: Angel -- Massive Attack
Comments: Apparently by leaving it.

4. What is [or will be] your profession?
Song: Comfort Eagle -- Cake
Comments: I'm not sure what exactly a Comfort Eagle does, but it sounds sort ofcunning and perhaps drug-related. Maybe I'll get my own infomercial.

5. What do you really want from life?
Song: How to Save a Life -- The Fray
Comments: Wow, that seems pretty apropos. And it also makes me think even more that God is telling me to get the med school show on the road instead of putzing around hiding fr. the MCAT and broken bones (I don't like the crunch noise!!).

6. What should you do to help others?
Song: The Thunder Rolls (Extended Version) -- Garth Brooks
Comments: Exact revenge on cheating ratbag husbands? That would seemingly serve only a small population, but could be satisfying.

7. What should you do to help yourself?
Song: Everbody Knows -- Denali
Comments: It would be nice if everyone would let me know.

8. Will you succeed in life?
Song: I Do -- Lisa Loeb
Comments: I Do, I Will, whatever -- seems affirmative to me.

9. What should you do to succeed?
Song: China -- Tori Amos
Comments: Go to China? Use china? I dunno. The song *is* all abt. emotional barriers and intimacy issues, so maybe it's saying the secret to my success is to continue in my cynical, guarded ways.

10. What is one of your most important goals in life?
Song: Please Forgive Me -- David Gray
Comments: Goodness, I can only imagine what I plan to do if I am alreadybegging forgiveness!

11. How is [or was] high school?
Song: Blue Light (Engineers' Anti-Gravity Remix) -- Bloc Party
Comments: I suppose it was often a melancholy time for me, but thinking abt.it makes me smile, just like this song.

12. How do you see yourself?
Song: Thriller -- Michael Jackson
Comments: hmmm...That would probably indicate a severe psychosis and/or narcissistic personality disorder.

13. How do your friends see you?
Song: The Way I Am -- Eminem
Comments: That seems nice, until you remember that the actual song is all angst-y and sarcastic. On second thought, I guess I am sort of angst-y and sarcastic, or at least sarcastic.

14. How does the world see you?
Song: Eyes without a Face -- Billy Idol
Comments: Gee, that's pretty deep. Could it be that ppl. don't see the whole me b/c they get hung up on the (distracting, alluring) details? haha...

15. What is your theme song?
Song: Silent Spring -- Massive Attack
Comments: It is a lovely, intricate song whose lyrics are unintelligible -- that sounds a lot like me.

16. What is the best thing about you?

Song: I See You Baby (Shakin' that Ass) -- Groove Armada

Comments: Let's face it, I DO have a hot ass and I shake it quite often.

17. What is the worst thing about you?
Song: Roses -- Outkast
Comments: Again w/the narcissism...Am I really that self-centered?? (she queried as she filled out a survey all abt. herself...)

18. How is today going to be?
Song: Keep their Heads Ringin' -- Dr. Dre
Comments: Considering that it is 230am and I am going to get only abt. four hrs. of sleep, I v. well might have a hellacious headache the rest of the day.

19. How will this week be?
Song: Breaking the Girl -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Comments: Oh, that does *not* bode well...

20. What's in store for this weekend?
Song: You Could Be Mine -- Guns'N'Roses
Comments: Vicious, aggressive, and focused -- I like it. I am now determined that smthg. will be mine this w/e, even if it's just a bottle of wine (which I will apparently need after my "Breaking the Girl" week).

21. What song describes your parents?
Song: You're Crazy Nuts from Hell Bent on Driving me to an Early Grave -- Me
What do you mean you've never heard that song??
Hmmm, interestingly, the real song that came up was "Down By the Water" by PJ Harvey
Comments: This is a song abt. drowning a 'lovely, blue-eyed daughter,' so maybe my faux song wasn't that far off -- haha!

22. What song describes your grandparents?
Song: My Way -- Limp Bizkit
Comments: Uh, Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are thinking abt. moving back to the East Coast, which is geographically my way (and would be awesome).

23. How is your life going so far?
Song: You Turn the Screws -- Cake
Comments: It has been rather tortuous at points...

24. Will you have a happy life?
Song: There It Go (The Whistle Song) -- Juelz Santana
Comments: Given the upbeat whistle featured in this song, the idiot grin I get on my face everytime I hear it, and the fact that if you squint really hard,'There it go,' could be an agreeable answer to whether or not I will be happy,I'll say this is pretty good.

25. How can you make yourself happy?
Song: Winona's Big Brown Beaver -- Primus
Comments: No, seriously, that's the song that came up. Perhaps I should be re-evaluating my sexual orientation.

26. What gives you the most pleasure?
Song: I Know what You Want -- Busta Rhymes and Mariah Carey
Comments: I do love giving ppl. gifts.

27. Do people secretly lust after you?
Song: Mr. Camouflage Suit Maker -- Bud Light Commercial
Comments: Really, I couldn't make this up.

28. What is your signature dancing song?
Song: Losing Lisa -- Ben Folds
Comments: I do secretly like to twirl and jump around to this song, but that's def. not how I dance in public. I move to strike the music player's random selection from the record and replace it w/'Toxic' by Britney Spears. Hearing no objections,the motion carries.

29. Where will you get married?
Song: Running Down a Dream -- Tom Petty
Comments: Let me assure you, Ft. Gordon, GA, site of my actual wedding, is no picnic, let alone a dream. Hopefully this means Eli and I will one day get around to having our long-planned re-wedding extravaganza.

30. What song will they play at your wedding?
Song: Playground Love -- Air
Comments: Awww...that would have been perfect since Eli and I are high school sweethearts!

31. Will you ever have children?
Song: Insane in the Membrane -- Cypress Hill
Comments: HAHAHAHAHA!! Yes, if I ever go insane in my membrane, I may have kids, who will surely drive me even more insane.

32. How will you die?
Song: All the Things She Said -- TATU
Comments: I will be killed by vicious rumors spread by Russian pretend-lesbiansand their mini-skirt clad army?

33. What song will they play at your funeral?
Song: Closer (Nine Inch Nails) vs. In Da Club (50 Cent)
Comments: Oh, yes, please. Esp. if my mom is outlives me, play this song at my funeral. She would join me soon enough if you did.

34. What is some good advice?
Song: The Rain -- Missy Elliott
Comments: Um, well, when it rains, I like to go to bed early and lay (lie?) there listening to it against the window. So, uh, if you're anxious and looking fora way to relax, try this. It would be particularly helpful if you lived in the Pacific Northwest or Scotland where rain is readily available. If not, buy one of those little fountain thgs.

Now you try! Really, given the eclectic musical tastes of my friends, I think we could get some interesting versions of this....

Mourning the untimely demise of an unrepentant monster

This is going to be one of those moments akin to the Kennedy assassination or September 11th. Following a nighttime ride through the muffled whiteness of the latest blizzard here in CO, I sat down to my computer, crossing my fingers that my illicit Internet connection would be functional enough for me to send some business-y emails I have been putting off for several wks. Uttering an surreptitious exclamation of delight when the wireless connection did its job, I signed into my account, started to hit the 'Compose' button, but halted w/my finger above the mouse key as I read the title of the Washington Post News Alert in my Inbox: 'Former Iraqi President Hussein Executed.' My jaw dropped slightly -- you never expect to find that an evil which has colored your entire life really can die, and at the hands of an executioner, no less -- and I hastily read the article, a revised version of which can be found at:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/29/AR2006122900142.html?referrer=email

Then, smthg. even more unexpected happened. I welled up. I got all misty reading abt. the ignominious end of that dirtbag, Saddam. Don't misunderstand -- I wasn't sad for him, his death is no real loss to the world. I am, however, sad that in the midst of large-scale violence being perpetrated on all sides, the Iraqi government response is to join in the throes, adding one more victim the growing pile, albeit one more deserving of his end than many others who have perished thus far. If this whole thg. had taken place at a different time or in a different political context, I may not be so dismayed at the outcome. I am not a wholehearted proponent of the death penalty, but I think we can all agree that this man perpetrated some of the most heinous, brazen crimes against humanity this side of the Holocaust, and, frankly, I am okay w/such ppl. being hanged. I'm not trying to turn this into a debate abt. the death penalty, so save it -- I've heard the arguments of both sides and formed my own mostly anti- opinion according to my own standards of conduct, so let's leave it at that -- but what I am saying is that by hanging even a creature as vile as Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi government has just shot itself -- and us -- in the foot. No, more like the face.

Prior to his execution, Saddam was not much of a rallying point for anyone, not even his own Sunnis. Why? B/C he was, as covered previously, a cunning, ruthless asshole who was not particularly nice to anyone, regardless of religion, tribe, or political affiliation. The only thg. most Sunnis miss abt. Saddam are the oil revenues he used to throw their way to keep them fr. starving and rebelling against him since they do live in the most worthless section of Iraq and would not have survived otherwise -- as they are now unhappily discovering. But now, now all that has changed. By executing Saddam, the Iraqi government -- run primarily by Shi'ites and Kurds, remember, neither of whom are well-loved by the Sunnis and vice-versa -- has made a Sunni martyr of Saddam. They have created smthg. that was not there before, potentially triggering an even greater blood-letting than we have heretofore seen, even in the last six mos. when the Baghdad morgue has been averaging 100 bodies a day and the Coalition casualties have been mounting at steadily increasing rates.

Certainly, this is speculation. But it is educated speculation likely to be borne out by exceptionally unfortunate events. Certainly, too, if there is an increase in violence, much of it will be directed b/t the ever-warring factions within Iraq, not strictly at Coalition troops. But the execution took place within the American-run Green Zone, after a US judge gave consent through his silence for the event to take place, and at the behest of a government which is essentially propped up by the US Coalition. So you do the math and figure out if this is likely to decrease or increase the popularity of our troops there, at least among the Sunni faction. Maybe you can do some real fun math of the sort the administration uses often and thereby figure that two-thirds of the country is happy Saddam is dead, so that other third is inconsequential, no matter how many armed fanatics they count among their number. You can play the numbers as you see fit, but I for one am going to worry more than ever about the ppl. I care abt. who are over there or are soon to be so.

On a final note, Iraqis being fond of their guns as they are, it was not surprising that there was widespread celebratory gunfire across the country as news of Saddam's death spread. I believe the Ottoman Empire hadn't quite fallen off the knowledge wagon in the 17th c. when Newton conclusively demonstrated the existence of gravity and the attendant corollary, 'what goes up must come down,' which leads me to believe that these ppl. should have gotten the memo abt. that. This, in turn, would lead one to hope they would refrain fr. unreservedly letting loose a salvo of gunfire, since they should have the understanding that those bullets do come back down with some force, coming to rest, as all objects eventually do, when acted on by an outside force, frequently some unsuspecting bystander's body. A common complaint lodged against the West by ppl. fr. this region is that we underestimate them and look upon them as somehow 'less' than us -- less developed, less educated, less able to govern themselves w/o the use of force, etc. My question, then, is why would a ppl. so annoyed by our 'unfair' characterizations continue to engage in a behavior that is, charitably, foolish and which flies in the face of even the most basic scientific principles?

The world is above all a mystifying place.