And then, more of the usual.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100226/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/cb_haiti_earthquake_18

This link is to an article that reduced me to tears of despair and frustration. Pretty much the opposite of the last one. It seems that the new plan, spearheaded by the International Organization for Migration, which was well-funded but almost invisible prior to the earthquake and now seems to ineptly taking the lead in many post-earthquake initiatives, the new plan is to encourage people to return to their old neighborhoods, rather than moving them to UN/government/NGO-supervised camps outside of town while they remove rubble from the city. Have they seriously not considered that most of the people living in PAP right now were living in some of the worst neighborhoods before the earthquake, such as the bidonvilles that covered the hillsides and were never safe even before this event?? Do they seriously believe that it is a better idea to encourage millions of people to once again take up residence in what is now recognized as an intrinsically unstable area, due to location on the fault and soil composition?? Do they not remember that PAP was FAR overpopulated prior to the earthquake, a fact which contributed directly to the human loss of this event?? Do they not understand that people will still need secure, organized places to live while the government and other agencies clear rubble, even from so-called 'approved' neighborhoods?? If the point of this is to reduce congestion in the city camps and provide people with a longer-term home, why not proceed with the original plan to set up long-term, but temporary, camps outside of town and/or assist people in migrating out of the city to other parts of the country (with the proper caveats there, of course -- seed money, existing family/social support in relocation area, etc.)?? Why on earth would these people think it is most effective to shove people back into their dilapidated neighborhoods, or to spend time promoting this plan when ultimately, if they really do the things they are saying the will do (namely, relocate people whose neighborhoods are too badly damaged for repatriation), they will *still* end up having to establish large camps outside of the city?? How can they do this to the people of Port-au-Prince?? How can these agencies condemn them to insecurity and further suffering, due to nothing more than the absolute, shameful incompetence of said agencies??

I am reminded of my impulse to yell at those teenagers in Bea's classes, but there is no one here to yell at. My anger, frustration, anxiety, and fear are at this moment overwhelming. I cannot stop shaking and I am fighting the urge to go to my bed and never leave.

Finally, something to smile about

Haiti visitor makes impact at Severna Park Middle School • Community - Severna Park (www.HometownAnnapolis.com - The Capital)

This is the link to a short article written about a middle school near my house in Maryland and their efforts to help Haiti. A few weeks ago, I spoke to the seventh grade class about what had happened and tried to help them understand how their service learning project can make a difference for Haitians; all I can say is that I am amazed and I think you will be, too, when you read what these 300 or so kids have done. When I picked up their donations on Monday, I fought tears while looking at the boxes and boxes of items they had collected, in addition to their efforts to raise money. It really is incredible to know that members of that community are thinking of Haiti and taking every opportunity to help out. (Incidentally, all together, the seventh grade class donated more than 1,000 items to the donation drive Bea and I are working on, and they did this all during one week. Due to the recent snowstorms, the kids did not have school for more than a week, so in the end they had only about six days to gather their goods and bring them in. In the end, they had so much stuff that Bea's Nissan Cube was packed literally from floor to ceiling and front to back -- even the front passenger seat had things in it -- and I still have to pick up three more bags of things that people brought in after that!)

Additionally, I spent Monday and Tuesday at one of my former high schools, Glen Burnie High, talking to Bea's classes about Haiti and the earthquake. I wasn't sure how much of an impact this would really have, as GB is a rather depressed area itself and many of the kids in that school now can't be bothered (or don't have the means) to properly take care of themselves, let alone try thinking about someone else. I was also a bit nervous b/c some of Bea's classes are a little rough...But it turned out to be a great experience, for me and (I think) for them. Even the rowdiest classes were quiet for more than an hour while I spoke and answered their questions, and already students have brought in hundreds of items for donation.

There were a couple of moments where people were sleeping or chatting/giggling while I was talking about human suffering on an unimaginable scale. During those moments, I wanted to yell at these kids and inform them that their inability to pay attention to someone sharing such a painful, personal experience made me wish that they would one day be victims of a similar horror. But I reined in that impulse, reminded myself that I was fortunate to have the other 95% of the class paying attention/demonstrating interest and understanding, and moved forward. And the donations that we have thus far received reassure me that at least some people were reached.

When I first got back to the US, I didn't want to talk about the things that had happened, mostly b/c it was too hard, but also partly b/c I didn't like feeling like a specimen. Now, when I am talking to groups like this about my experiences, I know it is for a purpose -- to promote awareness and attract donations for those who need them so badly -- and I am much more comfortable. It is never easy (the two days spent in Bea's classroom left me with a slightly sick feeling at the end of each day, remembering everything that had happened), but the knowledge that it is making a positive difference more than makes up for the discomfort.

It's not too late to send any donations you may have (we will be collecting at least through the end of March), I can send you the list of items we are collecting if you are interested, and thanks to everyone who has already helped out -- it means more than you know.

And another thing --

Stephane just made a little picture site w/photos taken in their camp during distributions. There are a lot of them, so it might seem tedious, but definitely take a look at least at the thumbnails and see their camp, distributions, and the 'milk tent' they've established for children. The story is that before Stephane and his group took over, people in surrounding camps/areas called this camp 'Cite Soleil', an unfavorable comparison w/the notorious slum, but that now people are referring to this camp as 'Belleville', which is a weirdly Irvine, California-like gated community on the outskirts of PAP -- so job well done, Stephane and crew.

Notice some of the children in the tent wearing clothes that do not properly cover them, especially girls in dresses that do not zip. Stephane has also reported that there are children in the camp entirely naked. I am working with some local schools, churches, and families to gather supplies to send down there, including children's clothes but also many other items; if you are interested in assisting with this, contact me via email or comment and I will send a list of things we are collecting.

The link for the photos is:
http://picasaweb.google.com/113074725325497978294/MilkClinicAndNFIDistrib12Feb09#

Worth a look

My friend Anne works for Habitat for Humanity and her colleague, Ezra, made a multimedia presentation about his experience in Haiti while he was there w/the Habitat team. It is surprisingly moving and really captures the situation there:
http://www.ezramillstein.com/content/popup/Haiti/index.html

Battles won, lost, and ongoing

Me vs. Snow
As some of you know, I have been in Oregon since last Wednesday, visiting my DASF (Dear and Special Friend) Brianna, my best friend since 7th grade, as the juvenile acronym might indicate. It has been a lovely trip, and I suppose it is a good thing that Brianna and I like each other so much, as it begins to look like I may never leave. That is clearly some shameless exaggeration, but there have been moments where I was not sure. Due to the rapid succession of snowstorms back east, my original flight, scheduled for today, was cancelled. I managed to re-book a flight for tomorrow, the 11th, only to wake up this morning and find that it, too, is cancelled. Unable to re-book myself online, I called the ever-helpful (ahem) Delta Airlines, whose main line was incessantly busy, but whom I was finally able to reach via their frequent flyer line. After waiting only a few minutes for an operator and then being told that I could be re-booked for the 12th, I chalked this up as a small victory. That, it turned out, was premature. I spent 45 minutes -- and this is no exaggeration -- on hold, waiting for a 're-booking agent' who never answered. Luckily, I started checking the online options again and magically a flight for the 11th, new and different from my previous one, popped up and I am currently scheduled once again to leave tomorrow. But lesson learned, I have spent most of my day obsessively checking the flight status site to make sure my flight to BWI is still on green.
And the winner is: Undecided, pending further snow and/or airline nonsense. Either way, I'm coming out pretty shabby, if/when I finally do make it back to the DC area.

Brianna vs. Spirit Airlines
While on the topic of airline-related nonsense, let me share w/you the story of how I came to be in Oregon for the last week. The original plan was that Brianna was going to come visit me in Haiti at this time to celebrate my birthday but given recent events, we knew that plan was off. So instead she used a bunch of airmiles to fly me out to OR, which was very nice. In the meantime, Brianna had two plane tickets and a hotel reservation that were no longer needed. Delta, whom Brianna had planned to fly from Oregon to Florida using airmiles, offered her a flight credit. After a few phone calls, the hotel in Ft. Lauderdale where she had planned to spend the night before catching her flight to PAP, agreed to a refund. But when Brianna called Spirit, with whom she was to fly to PAP and back, they informed her that they could not do anything for her b/c her flight was still listed as 'On Time' in their schedule. Yes, that's correct -- in the midst of a disaster whose magnitude we are only beginning to comprehend, Spirit airlines refused to give Brianna her $200 back b/c their computer had not yet been updated to reflect the fact that no one commercial is flying in or out of PAP for the foreseeable future. In fact, when she spoke to someone a week after the earthquake, they told her that it was impossible for them to consider refunding her ticket b/c they were slated to resume flights on 26 January. And they were totally serious. I imagine by now they have corrected this ridiculous misconception, yet they continue to refuse to provide a refund. Brianna has now filed a claim with her travel insurance company, the result of which will undoubtedly take several months to arrive.
And the winner is: Unless the travel insurance finds a way to bully Spirit into submission, I believe the airline has come out on top -- Brianna has thrown in the towel, refusing to engage any further w/the customer service staff from Hell.

Me vs. Life, PTSD, and other behemoths
On the plus side, I am one again able to eat normal meals without getting sick, I no longer cry in inappropriate places, and I am sleeping more than four hours at a time, so those are all good signs. I'm sure I will eventually be fine, if never the same. But until eventually comes to pass, life is pretty freaking weird. Often, I am totally fine for long stretches: I can talk about Haiti in an unemotional (or at least not overly emotional) way, I don't constantly think about what has happened, and I have been able to go out and do things almost every day since coming to Oregon, just like this was any other visit. In fact, things had been going so well that by Saturday, I sort of felt like maybe I was better, or at least over the hump.
Then I spent two hours crying before I finally collapsed into sleep and each day since has involved forcing myself to participate in whatever the activity of the day is, all the while thinking how I would much rather go to bed and sleep for about a year, while also feeling guilty for not enjoying my time here more.
I am doing everything I can on my end to both help Haiti and to help Stephane and me, but there is a constant sense of ludicrousness, an almost comic futility to my efforts.
I have at least one dream a night that is either earthquake-related or some other version of apocalypse; most telling is the fact that the earthquake dreams are almost never in Haiti, they are in my homes in Maryland or South Carolina, places that should feel safe to me.
Listening to Stephane oscillate between feeling good about his work and feeling as if he is blocked at every turn -- and knowing that there is so little I can do when I am so far away -- compounds the feelings of uncertainty and frustration.
I can't stop hoping for positive change, but I am beginning to suspect that I don't believe it is possible.
My professional training and experience tell me that all of these things are, to an extent, normal, especially at this point when the traumatic event is still fairly recent. What is weird is that the only comfort I can find is in those statistics, these trauma studies I know so well from years of research and implementation. These numbers comfort me more than my prayers.
And the winner is: I'm pretty stubborn. So we'll see.

Luke vs. Rat
Brianna's house is a cute, older home situated on a little more than an acre of land, part of which her boyfriend Luke has cultivated and uses to grow produce and chickens. The house is really not bad, but has some old house-type problems, rats among them, though the pesty guests have been confining themselves to the basement. Before going to bed the other night, Brianna was convinced that she heard a rate in the kitchen, but after some diligent searching didn't show anything, we decided she was just paranoid. That night, however, I was awoken multiple times by what sounded like a rodent foraging around the dining room table, the crinkle of paper and plastic wrappers and tap-tap-tap of tiny feet rousing me from already fragile sleep. At one point, it sounded like the culprit was moving toward the living room, where I sleep, and I lay motionless on the couch hoping against hope that a rat was not preparing to jump on my face. Upon waking the next morning, I fully expected to find evidence of late-night rodent adventures, but instead found my bag of Goldfish crackers and some other packages completely unmolested, and the area was totally free from the feces that usually accompany rat visits. Brianna then informed me that her small, deceptively feeble-looking dog, Nugget, had gotten out of their room sometime in the night and that he sometimes likes to jump on the table when no one is around and there is a conveniently placed chair and we are quite sure that the culprit was indeed Nugget, who does somewhat resemble a rat, nosing about that night.
But the rat drama was just beginning. The next night, Brianna and Luke were woken from their slumber at 4am by the sound of a rat in their closet. They were again unable to locate an actual animal, but Brianna insisted that it was there. Turns out she was right. Late last night, Luke emerged from the bedroom to say that he had found the intruder hiding *in* a dresser drawer. Brianna immediately set about strategizing how she could wash all of their clothing in a 24 hour period while Luke busied himself with finding all available containers in which to trap the rat. For some reason, we then all proceeded to enter Luke and Brianna's very small bedroom, Brianna and I standing on the bed while Luke crawled around on the floor trying to determine where exactly the rat had gotten to. A broom was brought in, a headlamp employed, and I spent a good ten minutes clutching a clothes hanger, I suppose with the intention of hitting the rat if it attempted to jump on my face (I really have a thing about that). The rat was trapped in various corners, never with any success but with lots of squeals (from us), and I finally decided that my presence was no longer needed after the rat did indeed jump toward Brianna's face as she tried to trap it in a box and then nearly climbed onto my foot while he was scaling the bed. Rats don't scare me, but their spastic jumping does.
For another 10 minutes, I listened with some amusement to the bumps, cries, and curses emanating from the bedroom, after which time Brianna joined me, explaining that Luke had asked for some time alone w/the rat. Apparently she was not a good hunter, either. heh. A further 15 minutes and much noise later, Luke emerged, sweaty and disheveled, carrying a cardboard box whose lid was being held closed by a large book. It seems he had indeed vanquished the rat, who, by Luke's description, had appeared quite tired when it finally resigned itself to running into the waiting box. The mighty foe was then transported to a public park a mile or so away, where we can assume he is plotting his revenge and raising an army.
And the winner is: Luke -- but he might want to watch his back.