NEWSFLASH!: Fake rocks aren't just for hiding spare keys anymore!

Or at least such is the claim Russia is attempting to make against British diplomats. I'm sure you've all heard or will shortly hear abt. this story, but I felt compelled to take a moment to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thg. Highlights fr. the Washington Post article I read included:

'Documents featured on the program appeared to show that the British planned to fund a school to train public inspectors in remote areas. "We can only guess at who these inspectors were and what they were going to see in northern Siberia and the Far East," said an unnamed FSB officer...' Wow, yeah. Job training in a tundric shithole like Siberia is WAY subversive. Thank God the FSB was on alert for these thgs. With cunning intelligence like this, I just can't believe the USSR lost the Cold War!

'"We have a kind of gentlemen's understanding that official intelligence representatives won't engage in espionage," said Ignatchenko, referring to the head of the British intelligence service MI6 in Moscow, one of whose aides allegedly was filmed at the park. "The agreement seems to have been breached. In fact, we have been deceived."' hmmm... So the ppl. working in *intelligence* [allegedly] engaged in *espionage* and that is shocking? Maybe smthg. got lost in translation and the Russians thought intelligence meant intelligentsia. They're probably still waiting for pasty waifs to show up at their coffee shops, throwing around Western money and moaning abt. the meaning of being.

And my personal favorite: '"At first we thought this was a normal, typical secret drop-off point camouflaged under a stone," an FSB officer told state-run Rossiya television. "However, later when our specialists carried out their investigation, it became clear that the stone contained an electronic device. This was absolutely new spy technology."' Uh-huh. You know, I understand that by the end of the Cold War Russia was pretty behind in terms of world trends and technological development, but calling a fake rock 'absolutely new spy technology'? Really? *Really??* I think I saw a cave painting abt. that in Lascaux. Yeah, you know, the one where the Cro-Magnons destroyed the Neanderthals by using fake rocks to store their weapons in preparation for an ambush. And 'normal, typical secret drop-off point...under a stone' that apparently everyone knows abt., making it rather less than secret in my estimation?? hahaha... It's like Spy vs. Spy, but less sophisticated.

Even if Britain *was* spying on Russia via a fake rock, Russian intell has so successfully managed to come off as sputtering beefcake peabrains that Britain won't even need to try to cover it up. No one reading a statement involving such pitiful remonstrances and unlikely evidential offerings is going to bother w/being outraged b/c they'll be too busy pointing and laughing. I bet even Russians are laughing. Secretly, of course, in their hovel-like flats, still slightly worried that their neighbor is in the KGB and is waiting for an excuse to turn them in so he/she can move in to the apt. w/a view, but laughing nonetheless.

Don't Panic

Turns out my half-serious concern abt. this being the beginning of the end of days was unfounded, as Steve authoritatively informed me the other day that we will not see the end of the world in our lifetime. Whew. Glad he told me that before I confessed my sins and went out to stockpile water, TP, and peanut butter (I think one would need a lot of protein to face apocalypse). Wanna know smthg. really sad? My mom actually did all of that before New Year's Eve 2000 b/c she totally bought into the Y2K bullshit. Not kidding. Every time she came back fr. the store for the last six mos. of 1999 she had gallons of water and canned goods which she stored in this POS shed in our backyard that didn't even adequately protect the boxes and extra furniture we put out there (most of them became mold-ridden or created housing for small mammals and insects), but that my mom felt would be the better shelter option than our brick, solidly-constructed house. Or maybe that was the backup shelter in case smthg. (??) happened to the house. I don't really remember. I was too busy trying not to laugh every time she explained the "emergency plan" to pay attn. I don't think she bought much peanut butter, though, so my plan is already better than hers (haha). When I think abt. my mom doing thgs. like Y2K preparation and my maternal grandmother doing thgs. like hanging all of her coats in the hall closet in a specific order and manner, I say a quick prayer that my dad's genes will be strong enough to fight off what is clearly a genetic tendency toward insanity. Of course, Vern's not totally w/it, either, but that side of the family just has a tendency toward depression and alcoholism, as opposed to the slightly paranoid, OCD-like behavioral oddities of my mom's family.

And now you need never ask again why I do not wish to have children. It's in their best interests, I hope you see. haha...

Eli's first wk. home has been quite nice. Steve has been reasonably well-behaved, Eli hasn't spent an excessive amt. of time watching movies in our room (he's been in the living room instead), and I managed to be reasonably productive despite the many distractions and a mid-week dinner party/drunkfest that left me wondering how I got that drunk that fast on a Tues. evening. Yeah. I didn't do stuff like that in undergrad, I don't know why I did it this wk. as a responsible, mature, post-bac student (hahahaha). Although, in my defense, I must say that I had not intended to get drunk that night. I kept drinking b/c I didn't feel that drunk (obviously a miscalculation on my part), and I was quite surprised when the shots, beers, wine, and margaritas finally hit me and I realized I was totally obliterated. I had told everyone at the beginning of the evening that I had to go work on Physics at 8 and at 830 I stumbled back to my room w/every intention of doing so. At 9 I gave up and went to sleep. I woke up at 530am w/just my shirt on, reached for my alarm (which had not been set, of course), replied to Eli's mumbled query of, "You're not really going to class in the morning, are you?" w/a slight affirmative whine, and went back to sleep. Not only did I go to class in the morning, I was on time for the first time this semester. Apparently drunkenness improves my punctuality. I also nearly passed out fr. vertigo the first time I shifted my head fr. looking at the chalkboard to looking at my notes to looking at the chalkboard, but I overcame. What an Idiot.

There's some other stuff I could talk abt. (like the soldier who came into the ER the other day w/a foreign object lodged up...well, you get it -- he should have driven to Savannah rather than come to the military hospital where everythg. that happens to soldiers must be reported to their company commanders, poor fella's not going to last a wk. when that gets out), but Eli and Steve should be home soon and I suppose I should make it look as if I've done a little more in the last hr. than sit in my bathrobe eating Cheerios. In actuality, I will probably continue to sit in my bathrobe pretending to be working on my Physics lab report while doing little beyond staring at the computer disinterestedly. But that's basically how I made it through grad school, so perhaps smthg. will come of it in the end.

Oh, also, check out this news article that Christy's med school friend had on his blog. It fully illustrates why democracy is not a good idea. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060113/od_nm/vampire_dc

I.V, anyone?

B/C I could do that for you. Yes, that's right, today I did smthg. actually related to medicine. Or at least to bodily fluids used in medicine. I learned how to start an I.V! After impressing the ranking medic on duty w/my ability to pierce and properly catheterize plastic tubing, he called over the lesser medic on duty (a lovely PVT who apparently doubles as the ER pin cushion when ppl. want to practice their I.V. skillz) and handed me the needle. It wasn't perfect (I would probably have killed someone if they were as slow as I was), but I didn't go through the vein, it was a good catch and no one passed out, so all in all, better than I had expected! Perhaps by the time I lv. in May I'll be confident enough to do it w/o apologizing profusely before, during, and after. I don't think that sort of blubbering instills much confidence in patients.

So my second day of volunteering was far more interesting/rewarding than the first day, during which I spent two hrs. answering the phone/doing work meant for a trained rat and three hrs. listening to the chief of emergency medicine in the ER talk abt....Well, I don't rightly remember what we talked abt. for three hrs., but we did. Actually, it was a lot of him talking and me nodding, or him debating w/some other M.D. abt. kidney stones, first-trimester spotting, and whether or not you need to order labs to confirm a diagnosis. Which I guess was pretty cool, but it basically did nothg. for me b/c he's lvng. soon to go to Iraq, which means he can't be my "mentor" or "person who gets me into med school b/c he knows someone [which he does]". Anyhow, b/t the sticking of ppl. and the dirty jokes w/the staff and hearing of stories some of the nurses had abt. their experiences in Iraq (wow.), today was a really good day. OH! And if Steve and The Rock had a baby, it would totally be this P.A. that works in the ER. He looks sort of like Steve in the face, but he may be the biggest man I have ever seen in person. Fucking H U G E , I tell you. And hot. But I always did think The Rock was hot (shut it, you).

Quote of the Day:

"Aw, man...Y'all could do that [a CT scan for a patient w/back spasms]. It ain't hard. You just push the button and get this look on your face [imagine professional, pensive gaze] so they think you know what you're doing, and occasionally look at them and look at the monitor. I'm tellin' ya, I'm thinking of going out and training some squirrels to take over for me." -- the Radiology Tech, after we told him he couldn't go to lunch yet b/c we needed a scan.

Also, in an effort to improve my "upbeat writing skills", I thought I would report that I had a little bull session w/myself the other day and managed to accomplish a good bit of mental-emotional housecleaning. Feeling much better. But I do still miss you all tons. In fact, I determined that that was the root cause of much of my distress -- I've felt rather isolated and unstimulated and that isn't likely to change significantly until I get the hell out of this town. Though Steve does have several new friends who are interesting, intelligent, and generally more quality than his usual riff-raff (haha -- Steve's reading this as I write it and is abt. to punch me in the throat), which allows me some hope for the near future. Seriously, I do like his friends and hanging out w/them should be far better than hanging out w/the cats. I was getting way too close to crazy cat lady status. Steve has enlisted his friends for knitting, tea, and Desperate Housewives, which should be amusing even if it happens only once. But I do miss you all so v. much and I daily wish I could make dinner for Stuart, Ben, and Jon w/Marion, have tea and knitting w/Clare, talk shit abt. everyone w/Daniel in a surprisingly sophisticated way (it's got to be that vocabulary of his), laugh hysterically w/Brianna (and gelatin-free cheesecake!), go for rambling walks w/Eamonn, Duncan, and Olley, or run around Charleston w/my fellow Foxy Fivers. And of course there are innumerable other memories/thgs. I miss abt. all of you and those I did not mention by name, but suffice it to say that I love you all more than ever and I can never say how happy I am to have you in my life. Thanks for everythg., dears.

OH!! And I'm such a jackass.... ELI GETS HOME TOMORROW!! I swear the fact that I didn't mention this sooner does not reflect a lack of excitement on my part, though perhaps it does denote a slight disbelief/reluctance to get overly excited *just*in*case* smthg. goes wrong and he doesn't come home tomorrow b/c we all know how these thgs. go... Esp. for me. heh.

I'm not saying it's the end of the world...

...But it is.

Haha... No, I'm not so batty as that just yet. But, seriously, there is smthg. weird going on w/natural phenomena these days. More than usual, I mean. For example, in my little region alone, we have recently had hellacious thunderstorms, at least two of which spawned tornadoes in neighboring counties, and there is/was a new tropical storm meandering abt. the Atlantic a full month after hurricane season ended (which possibly lends credence to the growing suspicion that smthg. is amiss w/the Gulf Stream). We almost never get tornadoes (or thunderstorms, for that matter) this time of yr. b/c usually by now winter has come even to my balmy, mild habitat, which creates conditions not conducive to tornado formation, since they depend on a sudden interaction of v. warm and v. cold air. As we all learned in pre-school, with the assistance of tissue-paper snowflakes and cotton ball snow, winter is a "cold" season, cold on the ground and in the air above. But this winter we have had almost no truly cold days. The high for the next three days is 72 degrees. Seventy-f-ing-two in *January*. What is that? And GA/the Lowcountry of the Southeast region isn't the only anomaly, either. I didn't use my coat once the whole time I was in VA for Christmas, which, in my 23 yrs. of experience w/mid-Atlantic weather, has never before happened. [Perhaps Daniel would like to comment on this, as he is in MD, which is more firmly in the mid-Atlantic region than VA, and so he would have a more informed opinion this yr. than myself, since I decided to pretend I was raised by wolves and did not see any of my actual family members over the holiday.] Also, Eli's family lives north of Anchorage, AK, and reported having absolutely no snow at Christmas. Not an inch. That miserable bitch of a state is usually five ft. under by now and should remain so for another four mos. When you add this to all of the earthquakes and mudslides in recent wks. around the world and the polar bears freaking out and the increasing likelihood that w/the ascension of an(other) uber-conservative to the Supreme Court the US will regress abt. 3000 yrs. in matters legislative, judicial, personal, and environmental... Well, let's just say that if the four horsemen show up next wk., I won't be overly surprised. I might even make them some tea. B/C I'm gonna need to know someone to get out of all of that Purgatory I've accrued.

Seen and heard:
The Washington Post yesterday ran a mildly informative article abt. the growing # of evangelical Christians who have a real affinity for Judaism. I've known several such ppl. and I've gotta say that they're even nuttier than your average evangelical, but hopefully that's true only of my completely unscientific sample. Anyhow, the introductory paragraph of this article was: "Everyone who worships at the Tabernacle quickly learns three facts about its deeply conservative pastor. He comes from a broken home. He rides a canary-yellow Harley. And he loves the Jews." The Jews. I thought it was rather questionable to use a phrase like "the Jews" in a newspaper not officially connected to neo-Nazis or the KKK, so I read this to Steve to see if it was just me being frighteningly, uncharacteristically over-P.C. and his response was, "Haha... Yeah, just like Steve loves the [insert plural of N-word here]." riiight... But at least I know it wasn't just me who perceived this potential faux-pas.

Steve called me a tree-hugger b/c I've been recycling, using my "green bag" that Jill brought me fr. Australia, and I don't shop at Wal-Mart. WTF?

I called my brother today during my *four*hr.*break* b/t classes and left the following msg.:
"Hey, spunk-monkey. I just thought I would see what's up w/you b/c I have a lot of time before my next class and I thought I would kill you."
Naturally I meant "*call* you," but it probably does not bode well that I have been in school again for a grand total of two hrs. and already the brain has decayed to such a deplorable state.

In response to Steve's oddly outraged/distraught query of why I would be okay w/contracting a deadly strain of bird flu (of which he had not heard before), I said, "I'm just kinda tired." I need smthg. better than that, I think.

The Question of the Day on one of the rap stations here was, "Grillz: Turn-On or Turn-Off?" While this would have been funny enough on its own, the humor caliber was augmented by someone who called in, (erroneously) declared grillz to be hot, and then said, "Yeah, I got me a nice one, but it ain't permanent cuz I got to go to work and dey won't lemme wear my grill." BWAH HA!

On a tenuously related note, I was yet again reminded abt. how old I am when a 14 y.0. called the rap station for "Tootsie Roll", which seemed totally normal b/c when I was 14 just three seconds ago, "Tootsie Roll" was my jam! And then the DJ said, "Oh, you wanna take it back, do ya? How you even know abt. da 'Tootsie Roll' when you only 14?!" And I thought, "What does he mean, 'take it back?' That song's not that...Holy shit, it's been almost 10 yrs. since I was 14!!!!" And then I proceeded to dance while driving for the next 3.5 mins. b/c how can you not break it down for da Tootsie Roll?

The ugliest, loudest, least helpful librarian in the world just shuffled over to some poor unfortunate soul in need of assistance w/Lexis-Nexis. She is now making almost as much noise as the idiot across fr. me who is apparently downloading new ringtones for his phone, but has not yet mastered the volume key, resulting in periodic bursts of ear-shattering rap and hip-hop and reminding me of just how fab-o GA Southern is. wee-haw.


One more anecdote before I run along to Comparative Physiology and release you all fr. my rambling thrall. A few mos. ago, I was looking for a new leave-in conditioner, the spray-in kind, not the creme kind. After several trips to several stores yielded nothg. but irritation, I found the perfect solution during a fortuitous visit to Target -- a large bottle of spray-in conditioner that smelled rather nice and was not tested on animals AND was on sale. Score! I looked at the brand (Soft and Lovely) and thought vaguely, "I think that's a black company," but it didn't say anythg. abt. that and the only picture was of a hazelnut or smthg. and then I read the bit abt. how it wasn't tested on animals and I was like, "Well, maybe not. And who cares anyhow, I'm buying it." So I check out, notice a slight look of surprise on the (black) cashier's face, chalk it up to oversensitivity on my part, and go home to try out my new product. It works beautifully. My hair has been shinier and more manageable than I ever remember, which may also be due to the fact that I now have the best hair-stylist ever, but I'm pretty sure the Soft and Lovely leave-in is playing a role, too. Fast forward to a couple of wks. ago. I'm wandering around Big!Lots, collecting various items I don't really need, but that are too cheap/interesting/weird to pass up when I come across a bottle of my Soft and Lovely spray-on, leave-in conditioner. Except this bottle has a black woman on it where mine has some sort of nut. And the directions mention smthg. abt. spraying it on your corn-rows to keep them properly moisturized. So it is now confirmed that I purchased and have happily been using a product intended for corn rows. This, inappropriately, made me laugh really hard b/c the mental image of me gaily spraying down my corn rows wouldn't go away.

And Now, the Moment You Have All (vaguely, half-heartedly, after running out of other thgs. to do) Been Waiting For....

...my triumphant return. Which is in actuality more like a rather depressed, haunted-by-dread-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach-at-the-prospect-of-school-starting-again, trudge back to reality. Or semi-reality, at least, b/c I do still have a few more days of freedom. Seriously, I'm not sure I have ever been so unenthusiastic abt. learning. This is what science does to you, folks -- it makes you hate smthg. you thought you loved. Like learning. Or french fries (and fattening foods generally). Or motion. Well, it explains in graphic, irrefutable, excruciating detail why you should hate thgs. you thought you loved. I just keep telling myself that this will all be worth it...in 10 yrs. when I finally graduate fr. med/grad school. Funny how that doesn't imbue me w/a warm, fuzzy feeling of validation.

On a positive note, Steve is home and it has thus far been quite pleasant. Of course, it's been only 36 hrs. and Eli isn't home yet, so the fur isn't flying, but I prefer to focus on the good and steadfastly ignore the potential bad and continue thinking this will go on forever. Perhaps part of why I am more apt to do this than I would normally be is that Steve has a new friend who, although female, is wonderfully intelligent and funny and not painful to be around! I like this person (Michelle) so much that I have attempted to foster in Steve a more-than-friendly interest in her, but to no avail (for the moment). I have high hopes, though. Which probably adds to the mounting evidence that I am losing contact w/reality. But let me have for the next two days at least, as all fun will cease to exist for me at 7am on Mon.

You know, going back to "life" might not seem so bad had I not had an absolutely fucking fantastic holiday, for which I am indescribably grateful. But me gushing abt. how fab-o my life is doesn't make for v. interesting reading, since I have yet to master the upbeat humorous writing, favoring instead sarcasm and sharp wit. I'll work on that. But I did have a great holiday and I am v. sad to see it ending, though I smile every time I think on it.


I apologize in advance if I suddenly become the loudest person on the bitter bus, but next wk. is going to be a real shock to my system, physically and emotionally, as it will signal the end of daily alcohol consumption, copious amts. of sleep, and happiness generally. A big thank you to those who left comments and signed the guest book...made me laugh and love you all more.




Also, I miss you all more than usual. I think we should all buy a big house somewhere and live together forever. Sure, half of you don't know ea. other, but you know me and have not-unfriendly feelings toward me, so what else do you need, really?