Smthg. less palaverous

Good word, that -- palaverous. Had thought of adding to the last entry as promised, but after seeing how long it was, I started thinking that a) the odds of anyone actually reading it in full were already quite slim, and b) it was probably for the best to simply move on to smthg. new and more brief. So that's what I'm doing, sharing a short(ish) tale of my daily life.

In Physics today, we started discussing light reflection in mirrors. After giving us a basic description of what mirrors are (highly polished glass w/a painted back), Dr. A walked over, stood directly in front of my desk, looked at me, and said in his precise, Nigerian-accented English, "You know all about dis, unh?" He then giggled and walked away. Assuming he meant that we all knew abt. mirrors b/c we all use them and that his pause in front of my desk was merely the sort that happens every class period b/c he's a pacer when lecturing and that his prolonged eye contact w/me was also the routine look he gives me to make sure I'm really awake (I've learned to sleep w/my eyes open -- gross), I thought little of this comment, laughed at him giggling, and went back to my notes.

But when abt. three mins. later there was a question abt. the direction of reflection in a mirror and he again walked over to me, repeated his question directly to me, and giggled again, it occurred to me that this was deliberate. But why the fuck would he be expecting me to know more abt. light reflecting in mirrors than anyone else in the class? I usually sit there smiling mildly, hoping he interprets this expression as enthusiasm for his class, and on the rare occasions that I do know enough to hazard a guess in answer to his questions, he usually either ignores me or can't hear me b/c I talk abt. Physics like I speak French -- quietly and self-consciously. So WTF was up w/the repeated, direct questioning? After seeing my look of suspicious confusion, Dr. A made his way back to the board and announced, "See, I am asking you dese tings becos girls use mirrors more dan bwoys. hee hee hee...."

Some of you may be thinking, "Why, that chauvinist African bastard!" but my immediate reaction was to jerk around in my seat and survey the motley remainder of our Physics class and exclaim, "Fuck, I AM the only girl left in here!" Approximately half the students in what was not a large class to begin with have dropped, leaving 10 of us behind, fervently hoping that it was not a mistake to hold fast and stay in the class beyond the last-day-to-withdraw-with-a-W date. And I am the only girl among that naive few. I cannot think of another class I have ever taken where that was the gender breakdown. It's a real switch fr. CofC's female-saturated population, let me tell you. It doesn't bother me, it just sort of snuck up on me, so it stands out as even stranger than it would otherwise be.

Dr. A reassured me with, "Oh, don't warry, I weel not peek on you all de time." heh.

I honestly wasn't in any way offended by his little joke b/c a) I've talked to him numerous times in his office abt. a variety of thgs. other than Physics and he seems to think I'm pretty smart, b) I do have one of the highest grades in the class right now, and c) he still raves abt. the quality of my lab reports fr. last semester (which makes me laugh b/c I never knew what I was doing), so I really don't feel that he thinks I am the average Georgia Southern twit, esp. since I'm the only chick w/the balls to stay in his class.

What did bother me is that his implication that I frequently stand admiring my reflected figure was such a gross (though accidental) misrepresentation of me. I don't like mirrors. I avoid them whenever possible and when I do use them, only rarely do I ever look at myself in full view. I'll look at whatever part of my reflection I need to -- my eyeball when I'm putting my contacts in, my hair when I'm trying to tame it, my eyelid when I'm putting makeup on -- but I do not generally take in the whole picture. Which leads to funny little incidents like one that happened yesterday where I don't recognize my own reflection. I went w/Steve to drop off his car at the mechanic's and noticed a girl in the lobby abt. 10 ft. away fr. me and I thought, "Wow, I like her hair!" And then I realized it was me, reflected in the one-way mirror of the mechanic's office. I laughed so hard -- I seriously did not identify that image as my own until I first processed that it was a one-way mirror and secondly made the connection that if that was a mirror, then the person standing in it must be me b/c there was no one else in the lobby. What an idiot.

But it's not as if Dr. A should be aware of this particular quirk of mine, so I don't know why it bothered me so much. Maybe b/c I *am* the only girl left in the class and I don't want them to think that I am like most GSU girls, planning to make it past Dr. A by batting my eyes, blushing, and bending over in front of him -- a lot. I want them to know that I am smarter than all of those girls and most of them, the boys left in my class, too. I want them to know that I am NOT like them. I am not really a Georgia Southern student, I am just here b/c of an unfortunate diversion in my heretofore respectable academic path.

For perhaps the first time ever, I want to set myself apart in an unconditional, completely close-minded sort of way. I want no connections made b/t myself and this student body, no common ground to be uncovered, no sleeper cell of interesting ppl. of the sort I would normally associate with to emerge. Which, paradoxically, makes me v. much like the ppl. I am eschewing so vehemently. My most common criticism of GSU is that its students are so small-minded, so narrow and sheltered w/no interest in expanding their views. But by continuing to cling to my absolute refusal to think anythg. good abt. this school, I am becoming the v. thg. I detest. It's a quandary. And while I can try to mean it the next time I think, "Well, the lake is pretty nice," or, "Not everyone here is retarded," or, "The curriculum doesn't have to be the best to be good enough," I think the fact that I have to try to mean it does not predispose my efforts toward success.

But I'll try.

B/C the lake *is* nice (esp. all the turtles and ducks), and it is *impossible* that everyone here is retarded (I have met at least five ppl. of reasonable intelligence, or who at least have enough common sense to make their company enjoyable), and the curriculum, while far fr. the best, will hopefully be enough to get me past the MCAT.